1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,840
This programme contains
strong language

2
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,399
One time, when I was 13 years old

3
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:14,399
and I was spending a week at my
grandparents' house,

4
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,399
and I was locked in the bathroom
one night, late,

5
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:17,919
after they had gone to sleep,

6
00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:21,119
and I was furiously masturbating,
the way 13-year-old boys do,

7
00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:25,599
and I suddenly had this urge to rub
the head of my penis

8
00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:28,999
on the underside of the
Formica counter,

9
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,519
because the top was smooth

10
00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:32,679
and I assumed the bottom would be
smooth as well.

11
00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:35,999
Although I found out immediately
that it was unfinished wood

12
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,479
and I got a whole bunch of splinters
in the head of my penis.

13
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,919
Now, I couldn't wake my grandparents
up and tell them that.

14
00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:42,959
Obviously, I would have rather died
than do that.

15
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,839
So I crept around their house
until I found a pair of tweezers.

16
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,239
And then I locked myself back
in the bathroom,

17
00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,959
and I carefully removed all of
the splinters

18
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,679
from my penis,
wrapped it in toilet paper,

19
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,999
which obviously got blood on it,
and went to sleep.

20
00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,839
Until now, that was probably the
greatest mistake that I made,

21
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:03,839
but not getting a colonoscopy when
I turned 50 -

22
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:06,280
that one... is a little bit bigger!

23
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:19,319
Ah, it's all garbage.

24
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,999
When I told my mother that I had
colon cancer,

25
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,999
the first thing she said was,
"What a fucking idiot!"

26
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,999
She said,
"That is the easiest cancer to stop.

27
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,999
"All you need to do is get
a colonoscopy."

28
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:34,399
And I MAY still defeat it,
but if I don't, she's right -

29
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,760
I'm a fucking idiot.

30
00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,079
I'm going through this because
I want to kind of make sure

31
00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:46,999
there's nothing sentimental
or important

32
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,999
that somebody else may
want after I'm gone.

33
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,559
Toilet paper. Maxell tapes.

34
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:56,999
Andre is the most brilliant idiot
that you've ever met.

35
00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:01,359
He's got a mind unlike most people
I know. In fact, virtually everyone.

36
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,039
I have a feeling somewhere in here,

37
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,559
I have a pair of
Kim Kardashian's pants.

38
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,999
Oh, this is fun. This is awesome!

39
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:15,599
I started buying hash and storing it
in here, and the idea was,

40
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:19,999
in case of a massive earthquake,
I would use this as currency.

41
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:22,280
And I also included a little
pipe with it.

42
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:31,599
Andre just always has had a penchant
for obscure facts and a curiosity.

43
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,759
Yeah, this might be her pants.
Kim Kardashian.

44
00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,319
"Congratulations,
I'm thrilled that you won

45
00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,639
"one of the items from my
Kim's Kloset auction."

46
00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:42,399
And then it goes to the Life Change
Community church. "Thank you."

47
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:43,959
And it's signed by Kim Kardashian.

48
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,200
Now, my plan was to scrape her DNA
off of them,

49
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,999
because you can't really wash
pleather pants.

50
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:54,439
And we could... clone her from
them, someday.

51
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,799
You never know what's going
to come out of him.

52
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:58,999
It could be quoting Nietzsche,

53
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:02,479
it could be hot chicks picking
up dog shit.

54
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:06,279
It was either here
or way the fuck out there.

55
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,560
But the biggest Andre paradox
was Janice.

56
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:21,479
One day, we had been drinking in the
bar for a few hours,

57
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,079
and Janice, the bartender,
approached Johnny and said,

58
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:28,999
"Look, I'm Canadian. I need a
green card. Will you marry me?"

59
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,759
Because I was in
my last year of college,

60
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:35,159
my student visa was going to expire
and I was going to get deported.

61
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:38,999
So I thought, "Well, I need to ask
Jonny D to marry me,"

62
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,999
because he didn't like the ladies
so much,

63
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,399
so I thought that would be
uncomplicated.

64
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,279
And he's like,
"No, I'm not going to marry you."

65
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:47,000
And I said, "I'll marry you!"

66
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,359
And I was like, "What?!"

67
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,399
She's like, "Are you sure you
want to do this?

68
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,479
"Like, you know, there's no sex,
it's purely platonic.

69
00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:57,479
"But if you wanted to marry me,

70
00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,159
"you could move into the apartment
over the bar with me."

71
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:01,999
I was like,
"Great, sounds wonderful."

72
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,919
I figured it meant free drinks in
the bar

73
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:05,199
because I married the bartender.

74
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:08,319
Which, you know, to Andre, is me
being, like, the Wizard of Oz.

75
00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:09,999
She promised me a trip to Mexico.

76
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,239
That was the payment
for the green card marriage.

77
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,999
And I had to stay married to her
for two years.

78
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,559
I went to Haight Street

79
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:19,319
and bought an old wedding dress from
the Goodwill for $30,

80
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,239
and twined it up with a string to
make it fit.

81
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,679
Andre was wearing a powder blue tux.

82
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:29,319
I think his brother happened to be
in town, flew in from Japan.

83
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:32,319
We happened to be
stopping over on the way back

84
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:35,119
from New York to San Francisco.

85
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,159
And I was like, "Great, I'm getting
married that night.

86
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,359
"It's perfect.
You can come to my wedding."

87
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,759
"Is he serious?!"
Because Andre being Andre,

88
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:44,079
you never know what is serious
and what is not.

89
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:47,119
I was sort of interested in somebody
who I was working with,

90
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,799
and Andre had a girlfriend
who was at our wedding.

91
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,679
My girlfriend
didn't take it very well.

92
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:54,039
As a matter of fact, she got drunk
and spent the night

93
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:55,439
in Golden Gate Park alone.

94
00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:59,159
So maybe some people had a sense
that this might be something

95
00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:02,399
more than just
a green card wedding, but I didn't.

96
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,799
Who is this woman that he's marrying
that I didn't know anything about?

97
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:09,199
"If he's marrying some woman out
of a joke or a lark,

98
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,520
"then what do I say to our parents?"

99
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,479
I'm a super rule follower,
so I immediately was afraid

100
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:24,599
that I was going to get deported or
we'd get caught or whatever it was.

101
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:28,399
So I insisted that we had to just
really, in an intense way,

102
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:31,479
get to know each other really fast
and really well.

103
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,079
We would stay up, like, until
four in the morning,

104
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,999
just talking about our pasts
and our childhoods,

105
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,279
quizzing each other and...

106
00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:40,039
Which side of the bed would you have
slept on,

107
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,839
and what colour would your
toothbrush be, and...

108
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,679
What kind of milk do you
prefer? Skim or whole?

109
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,719
What did you do in the summers when
you were a kid?

110
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,599
Who was your fourth-grade teacher?

111
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,599
When did you learn to tie your
shoes? You know, bunny ears or not?

112
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,799
Just unnecessarily detailed.

113
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,599
We anticipated that our
INS interview

114
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,679
was going to be very much like
The Newlywed Game,

115
00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:59,399
so we went and tried out for it.

116
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,399
Hi, I'm Gary Kroeger and I've
been searching

117
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:05,199
beautiful San Francisco for their
very best newlywed couples.

118
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,159
You know what? I found them!

119
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,560
Please welcome
Janice and Andre Ricciardi.

120
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,639
Hey. Welcome, welcome.
Good luck to you.

121
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,920
If I could be any celebrity,
I would love to be...

122
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,319
Ozzy Osbourne!

123
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:25,599
- Michael Jackson's chimp Bubbles.
- I knew that!
- I love that monkey!

124
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:26,879
I knew that!

125
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,559
And you can't exactly cheat.

126
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,159
We had discussed beforehand,

127
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:34,319
"How do we maximise our ability
to maybe win this thing?"

128
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:36,759
We figured out a method for
cheating, which was,

129
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:40,399
if there's an obvious true answer,
pick that first.

130
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,479
"She's secretly in love
with Stephen King."

131
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:46,999
- That's my wife!
- Yeah!
- That is my wife.

132
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,879
I don't know if I can hug you
for that one!

133
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:52,079
If there isn't an obvious true
answer, pick the nicer one.

134
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:56,359
For 50 points, born perfect
or needs a little work?

135
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,399
- Born perfect.
- OK.
- All right! Woo!

136
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,279
And if there isn't a nicer one,

137
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:04,479
then pick the one that starts with
the higher letter in the alphabet.

138
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,079
Pepperoni or mushroom. Andre?

139
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:08,879
- Pepperoni.
- Perfect.
- Yeah!
- You get it.

140
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:10,839
And then we
started to gain and gain...

141
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:14,559
- Counts his pennies or loses track
of money? Mark.
- Counts my pennies.

142
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:18,279
- You do. Andre.
- Loses track of the
money!
- You're on a roll.

143
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,279
- Prefers an outside table.
- You're on a roll.

144
00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:22,239
- Spontaneous!
- Boy, you are doing well.

145
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,279
All right, for 100 points and a trip
to the Caribbean -

146
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,479
he knows what she wants in bed,
or he needs to be told.

147
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:30,479
All right, Andre, don't say
anything. You've got 230 right now.

148
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,239
In first place right now are the
Christiansens.

149
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:34,079
If you get this right, you're going
to the Caribbean.

150
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,479
Otherwise, say bon voyage to the
Christiansens.

151
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:38,200
- I know!
- OK!

152
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:44,599
And using that simple strategy,

153
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,999
we got ourselves a trip to the
Sonesta Beach Resort

154
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:50,760
on the island of Anguilla - that WE
had to fucking pay taxes on!

155
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,359
Andre called me a couple of weeks
later and he said,

156
00:07:55,360 --> 00:08:00,359
"I have a problem. I've fucked my
wife." And I said, "I'm sorry?"

157
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:03,479
And he said, "Well, I mean,
we actually had sex.

158
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,439
"Now, it's supposed to just be a
green card marriage,

159
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:09,879
{\an8}"but now I've fucked her, so now
we're married on paper

160
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,999
{\an8}"and we're actually...
we had sex together.

161
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,999
{\an8}"But it's not clear where our
relationship is,

162
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:19,599
{\an8}"and I'm really not sure what this
kind of means."

163
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:20,959
It was one of those things where

164
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,999
we were just so impressed with
ourselves.

165
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,440
Like, we were just like,
"We are a good team."

166
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,639
And then Janice had to have her
INS interview,

167
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,199
and the interviewer was completely
just a dick and humourless.

168
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,479
And he's like, "What proof of a
shared life do you have?"

169
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,399
And we're like,
"We bought a car together,

170
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,559
"we have insurance together,
we live together."

171
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:52,359
And then we mentioned, "Well, we
were on The Newlywed Game."

172
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,599
He was like, "Oh, well."

173
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,279
And he closes all his books up and
he's like,

174
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,879
"If you won The Newlywed Game,
there's nothing I can ask you

175
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,319
"that they didn't already ask you.
Have a nice life."

176
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,519
And then we knew we'd done it
and we'd passed

177
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,319
and everything was going
to be fine,

178
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:07,999
except that now I'm admitting
all this fraud.

179
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,439
We were in love at that point.
We started sleeping together.

180
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:13,039
I broke up with my girlfriend.
She broke up with her boyfriend.

181
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:15,999
It was like, "Well, how much harder
could having a kid be

182
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,760
"than winning The Newlywed Game?"

183
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,679
I've always called my dad "Andre".

184
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,439
I have always called him
by his first name.

185
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,999
I pretty much always call my
dad "Andre",

186
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,160
and I have since I was a little kid.

187
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,399
I think my dad is very unique,

188
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:43,199
and so my relationship with him
is very unique.

189
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,679
Some of my friends' parents,
they're just surprised

190
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,959
when they meet him because he'll,
like,

191
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,599
make crazy jokes or he swears a lot.

192
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:54,999
Well, my dad looks like someone
who lives on the street.

193
00:09:55,000 --> 00:10:00,399
He had, like, huge hair. That was,
like, kind of his signature thing.

194
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,479
It's just Andre.

195
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:04,639
Close for us looks different

196
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,199
than it might for
other fathers and daughters.

197
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:12,439
We're not, like,
hugging or touching.

198
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,799
We're not really into
that as a family.

199
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,759
He wants a more cerebral
relationship with them.

200
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:19,639
You know, "Let's talk about the
Ottoman Empire,

201
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,239
"let's talk about all these
conspiracy theories,

202
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:23,799
"and let's talk about great books."

203
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,159
At one point I was recovering from
a surgery,

204
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,439
and so I was kind of immobile.

205
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,759
And my dad read me all of
Helter Skelter,

206
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:33,999
the book about the Manson murders.

207
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,119
The nurses would come in and out of
the room

208
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,839
and hear him reading this
to his daughter,

209
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,839
who was lying in the hospital bed.

210
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,559
And it was definitely, like,

211
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:45,479
a perfect encapsulation of our
relationship.

212
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:49,599
And I think that was a really
poignant moment for me.

213
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:53,919
If I had to describe Andre in one
word, it would be "insane".

214
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,359
Andre had creative gifts that he
could have done

215
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:57,959
a million things with.

216
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:01,039
He just happened to get into
advertising with those gifts.

217
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:05,039
{\an8}- "Say, shoot, darn and fudge instead
of
- BLEEP, BLEEP
- and
- BLEEP."

218
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:08,999
He's pitching ideas that would
get the company sued.

219
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:12,599
- All right, bruv, how you doin'?
- We're on our way.

220
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:13,919
We're going to have some fun.

221
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:18,399
Amber Duick is suing Toyota for
cyberstalking her in an ad stunt.

222
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,759
He was so talented that you
put up with his shit.

223
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,399
I remember one time we're working on
a massive project

224
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:27,639
for 20th century Fox, an ad campaign
for Planet of the Apes.

225
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,159
I think we called it
The Apes Are Getting Smarter.

226
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,359
The apes are getting smarter,
and of course...

227
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,559
And the human evolution and,
like... Jesus fucking Christ.

228
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,079
Andre's ranting, but the head of
Fox Film Entertainment

229
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,320
was like, "No shit."

230
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:48,599
You only have time in life to get
really good at a couple of things,

231
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,359
so you need to be really careful
what you get good at,

232
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:54,319
and I chose to get good
at... advertising?!

233
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:58,039
What the fuck is wrong with me?
What a waste of a life.

234
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:02,039
I can't tell you how inconsequential
advertising seems

235
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,519
once you are diagnosed with cancer.

236
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,119
Hi, everybody.
Here we are in my kitchen.

237
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:13,559
It's about 18 hours-plus before
I get my first colonoscopy, and...

238
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:17,439
I'll never forget that -
Katie Couric getting a colonoscopy,

239
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,199
live on Good Morning America,
or whatever show she was on,

240
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,879
because her husband had just
passed away of colon cancer.

241
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,319
I thought that's
what this experience

242
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:28,079
was going to be like for me.
I was joking around with the nurses

243
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,279
and the doctors,
as I always do when I'm nervous.

244
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,439
I made my usual joke, which was,
"I'm a drug addict.

245
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,119
"You gotta give me twice
the usual dose."

246
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,879
- I give...
- I'd like to request
plenty of...
- No, I give...

247
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,279
- I give you what you need.
- ...of sedation.

248
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:38,719
I give... No, I give you
what you need.

249
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:41,119
She had been drugged,
so she was kind of twilight.

250
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:42,999
The anaesthesiologist
knocks you out.

251
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,559
You're fully under
for about 15 minutes,

252
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:47,639
and they put a camera in
your ass and they look at

253
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,599
your polyps, or no polyps.

254
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,999
So this is the process
that I went through.

255
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,199
It's as clean as a whistle.

256
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,959
This is a perfectly
normal examination.

257
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,839
- That wasn't bad at all.
- No, no.

258
00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:02,039
But my colonoscopy was not a happy,
joyous, fun occasion

259
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,639
with laughter, like when
Katie Couric

260
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:06,439
did it live on television.

261
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,919
As I started waking up, there
was all this buzzing around me,

262
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:13,639
there was all this activity, and I
heard one guy saying to another guy,

263
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,319
"That was over 45 minutes.

264
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,959
"That's the longest
colonoscopy I've ever been to."

265
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,159
And I thought, that could be good,
that could be bad.

266
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,279
And I'm dopey and I'm
just waking up,

267
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,759
and I'm starting to realise
something's wrong.

268
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,879
And then the doctor came over
and said, "Hi, Andre.

269
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:30,799
"Erm, I hate to say this,
but we weren't able to

270
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,799
"perform a colonoscopy because..."

271
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,919
"..there's a mass in there so big
that we can't even get

272
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:36,599
"a paediatric camera in there."

273
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,119
And so I said,
"Well, what does that mean?"

274
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,199
And she said,
"Well, it looks cancerous.

275
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,959
"I don't know.
I put a tattoo on it" -

276
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,999
didn't tell me what the tattoo was,
but I guess that's

277
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,239
something they do -
"and I took a biopsy of it

278
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,560
"and we'll find out, and we'll
call you in a couple of days."

279
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,279
They hadn't done a biopsy,
they hadn't done anything.

280
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:56,879
And I was like, "How dare they just
blurt out that you have cancer?!"

281
00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,279
They haven't confirmed anything.
It's not going to be true.

282
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,599
Maybe two, three days later,
the phone rang.

283
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,759
I saw it was Doctor... I don't know
what her name actually was

284
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,959
because I just had her in
my phone as "Ass Doctor".

285
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,599
So, staging-wise, what does
that mean?

286
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,400
Erm, what would that be?

287
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,440
Ah, fuck...!

288
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,200
Oh, fuck.

289
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:31,880
-
- Well, if you chose to move
forward with treatment, you...

290
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:42,839
I went into the room afterwards,
expecting him to say,

291
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,719
"Oh, there's a polyp," or,
"Oh, there's...

292
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:46,999
"..something,
there's something small,

293
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,239
"there's the beginnings
of something.

294
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:49,959
"It's maybe stage one."

295
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:52,879
And he said it was stage four,

296
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:56,200
and he just was ashen.

297
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,839
I think just shocked, erm,

298
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:03,399
and I think stayed shocked

299
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,040
for a long time.

300
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:39,839
It's fascinating that I am dying
and I want to document it.

301
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:41,679
I want to learn from it.

302
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:45,279
One way to deal with it,
one way to obsess about my cancer

303
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:49,759
and my impending mortality without
focusing on the anxiety of it,

304
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,679
is to make this film.

305
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:53,479
103, take seven marker.

306
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,679
CREW CHATTERS

307
00:15:55,680 --> 00:16:00,759
I think Andre is making this movie
ultimately because Andre wants

308
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:06,039
to do everything his way,
including dying, and this is Andre.

309
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,880
Andre interview, take one.

310
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,599
If somebody else
came to me and said,

311
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,039
"I have colon cancer and I want

312
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,639
"to make a documentary
about my own death,"

313
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,239
I don't know how I would
feel about that.

314
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:19,119
I would be sort of torn.

315
00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:20,959
I would want to respect
their wishes,

316
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:24,639
but I would also think this is going
to get really personal and ugly,

317
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,519
and I'm not sure I would
want to show that for somebody else.

318
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,479
But for me? I'm all in.
I don't give a fuck, you know?

319
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,279
If you guys want pictures
of my colon,

320
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:35,039
I will gladly give you pictures
of my colon.

321
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,640
And I think for Andre,
he gets a kick out of it.

322
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,959
I was going to stick my tongue
in that, but I decided not to.

323
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,959
It's also saying
"fuck you" to convention.

324
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:50,440
What better way to spend his
final days on our planet?

325
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:03,919
Yesterday I was at the hospital
for six hours of chemotherapy,

326
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:08,199
something you can avoid, er, pretty
easily if you get a colonoscopy.

327
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,239
As you can see, I am shirtless.

328
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:14,159
Not just to show off my
wonderfully tan, er, buff physique,

329
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,599
but also to show you that I'm still
plugged in here,

330
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,559
and I'm still receiving
chemotherapy,

331
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,919
and I will be for the next 24 hours.

332
00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:25,359
And then I have this ball
of chemotherapy,

333
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:30,479
and this is slowly emptying
over 24 hours.

334
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:33,159
When they're changing the
bags of the IVs,

335
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:37,999
they wear full protective gear,
including mask and gloves. Erm...

336
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,959
It's sort of ironic that this is

337
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,319
something you can't
get on your skin,

338
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,999
but they're putting it into
a port that delivers it directly

339
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,319
into an artery next to my heart
so that it can pump through my body.

340
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,720
Er, and that's something
you just get used to, I guess.

341
00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:00,400
Dying is surprisingly boring.

342
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,920
This is like a vacation for me.

343
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:11,199
That's a weird thing to say,
but there's sort of this feeling of,

344
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,239
"Oh, my God,
I have a terminal illness.

345
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,679
"I have an illness that, you know,
in all probabilities

346
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,799
"is going to kill me
within five years."

347
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,559
And I feel part of me feels like
the entire world should

348
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,639
come screeching to a halt
and I should feel different

349
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:27,559
and everything's now going to change
into this "I'm dying" mode.

350
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,399
And it didn't. And it isn't.

351
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,119
I'm still unloading the
dishwasher every morning.

352
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,879
I'm still sitting in the same place,

353
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,799
looking at the same fucking
websites.

354
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,919
And there's something really
fascinating about that to me,

355
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:45,239
which is how mundane my own death is
and how routine it feels already.

356
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:48,800
And it's only been eight, ten weeks
that I've been diagnosed with this.

357
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,519
Andre's surprisingly
positive about all this,

358
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,839
which is not anything any of us
would have ever called.

359
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,399
My wife was saying last night
that it's sad.

360
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,639
I don't think it's necessarily sad.

361
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:04,519
I mean, I think this, to me,
doesn't look like a disgusting ball

362
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:05,839
of chemotherapy hair.

363
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,839
To me, this just looks like
a cute little character, you know?

364
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:10,400
With a couple of googly eyes...

365
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:13,439
You know, I'm creating all
these little creatures

366
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,079
that now live in my house.

367
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:16,319
CREATURES COO AND LAUGH

368
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,599
The most serious thing
in the world is dying from cancer.

369
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:24,559
I mean, it's hard to think
of a more serious, draconian topic.

370
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:30,079
And yet, Andre's laughing and joking
and teasing and having fun.

371
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:33,679
So now he's got the most
painful situation,

372
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:37,559
and he's using a proportionate
amount of humour.

373
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,159
You know, it's not the
end of the world.

374
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,519
Am I in denial about it?
I don't even think so.

375
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:44,479
Like, go on, go on. You're free.

376
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,520
HE BLOWS

377
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,240
Whee!

378
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:57,919
There's really no cancer
in my family,

379
00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,759
so I've thought about this
long and hard,

380
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:03,039
and I have some theories of
where it could have come from.

381
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,919
How I got cancer -
theory number one.

382
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:09,879
I ingested rat poison in Tompkins
Square Park in the early '90s.

383
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:11,759
I smoked cigarettes for 22 years.

384
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:12,919
Salami.

385
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,039
My mother gave it to me.

386
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:17,199
When she was eight, she and her
friends used to run behind

387
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:20,999
the trucks that sprayed DDT.

388
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,559
My mother was born with all the eggs
she would ever have in her life.

389
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,639
One of those eggs
that I was fertilised

390
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,119
and born from would
have been present

391
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:31,479
in my mother when she was
an eight-year-old girl.

392
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,680
Anyway, thanks, Mom.

393
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,159
- Hey, can I get two slices of cheese?
- Of cheese?
- Yep.

394
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,599
- I'll have a pepperoni.
- I got it.

395
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,319
- You sure? You got it yesterday.
- I got it.

396
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,319
I will always buy you pizza, Lee.

397
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:46,999
- Even in death, I will buy you pizza.
- Aww, thanks, man.

398
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,479
- How are you going to do that?
- I don't know.

399
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,320
We gotta figure that out.
We don't have much time.

400
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,679
Andre and I are not a couple
in the traditional term of

401
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:57,280
what someone might
think is a couple.

402
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,479
I consider Andre
to be soul-mate status.

403
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,159
There is that older brother,
younger brother dynamic.

404
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,559
Lee is the quintessential
older brother,

405
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,839
and I'm the quintessential
younger brother.

406
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,599
I invited Andre a couple
of years ago,

407
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:15,639
when I was scheduling a colonoscopy,
to come get a colonoscopy with me.

408
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,039
A couple's colonoscopy.

409
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:20,599
And my first thought was,
"OK, he wants me to hold his hand

410
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,439
"because he's scared
and he wants me to go with him

411
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,879
"and make it easier for him."

412
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,039
And so I said,
"I'm happy to drive you,"

413
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:29,839
you know, "whatever you need.
Tell me when it is."

414
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,039
And he said, "No, no, no, no,
I don't want you to drive me

415
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,119
"to the colonoscopy,
I want you to come with me

416
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,919
"and get a colonoscopy with me.

417
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:39,239
"We'll go in together.
It'll be like a spa day.

418
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:40,840
"We'll just do it
as a couple's thing."

419
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:48,000
We both would drink some liquids
and shit ourselves together.

420
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,600
SOUNDS OF DEFECATION

421
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,559
I thought for sure,
if there was anyone

422
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,679
that was going to get
a couple's colonoscopy with me,

423
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,039
it was going to be Andre.

424
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:10,399
Look, I'm not going to go get
a colonoscopy with my friend.

425
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,039
It's just a weird fucking thing.

426
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:15,399
I probably came home and said
to my wife, "Hey, by the way,

427
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,399
"Lee said we should go get
a colonoscopy together."

428
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:20,959
And my wife probably said something
to me like, "Are you fucking crazy?

429
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,559
"Why would you do that with
somebody else? That's insane."

430
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,279
I instantly, of course, thought,
"Oh, he's going to go do that

431
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:27,319
"with somebody else.

432
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,239
"Does he already have a
couple's colonoscopy in place?"

433
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:30,679
Cos why wouldn't he
want to go do this?

434
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,279
We need to do this.
This needs to happen.

435
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:34,119
We're at the age
where it needs to happen.

436
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:37,399
And almost to the day,
a year after that,

437
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,039
I was diagnosed with
stage four colon cancer

438
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,479
that had metastasised to my liver.

439
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,879
His rejection of that
couple's colonoscopy is

440
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,999
what led directly
to Andre having cancer.

441
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,319
Had I gone a year before, I probably
would have had cancer anyway,

442
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:54,160
but it probably would have
been really easy to treat.

443
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,999
I'm not angry that he
didn't get a colonoscopy.

444
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,959
I mean, his motto used
to be, "No cops, no doctors".

445
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,599
I think, obviously,
this could have been avoided

446
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:06,479
or it could have been less severe.

447
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,999
I was just as ignorant of it
as he was.

448
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:10,919
And it's not like it was
ten years late.

449
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:13,479
It was, you know, 18 months late
or something like that.

450
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,719
If he'd had a history of it in his
family, if he'd had symptoms...

451
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,359
But, no, I hadn't had one.
We're the same age.

452
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:24,879
He's very stoic and very much
doesn't put his own health first

453
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:26,919
in a lot of ways.

454
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:29,679
I mean, the long answer is,
if someone was going to die young,

455
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:31,519
it was probably going to be Andre.

456
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,679
SQUAWKING

457
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:35,479
He's also the kind of person
that would say, like,

458
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:38,079
"Oh, I'm supposed to die early.
That's what I was supposed to do.

459
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:39,639
"I've lived a crazy life," whatever.

460
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:45,199
Andre had a complex relationship
to drugs and alcohol over the years.

461
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:48,439
There were years where I drank
every night until I passed out.

462
00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:50,919
I've probably done cocaine five,
six times in my life.

463
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,759
Done acid 100 times, 150 times
in my life.

464
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:55,679
I tried to do mushrooms
a couple of times a year,

465
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,039
just to clear out the cobwebs.

466
00:23:57,040 --> 00:24:00,639
He never did cocaine.
He never did harder drugs.

467
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,959
I've dabbled in heroin.
I used to snort it.

468
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:08,119
I have used meth quite a bit.
Ecstasy, sure. Whatever, erm...

469
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:11,359
But nothing...
Nothing more serious than that.

470
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:14,720
Nothing more serious than, you know,
meth and heroin, I guess!

471
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:19,120
Andre never really took
great care of himself.

472
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,760
He used to smoke a ton.
I think he used to dip.

473
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:25,920
He drank A LOT.

474
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,639
And I think finally he had
a run-in with his doctor,

475
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,239
and the doctor's like,
"You gotta... you gotta start

476
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:33,720
"taking care of yourself."

477
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,479
I had quit drinking three years
before I got cancer.

478
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:41,279
I was waking up every morning
at five in the morning,

479
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,080
getting myself as high
as I could possibly get myself.

480
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:51,799
And then getting on the peloton
and riding for 45 minutes.

481
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,679
I lost 30lbs,
I was getting into shape,

482
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:56,919
I felt like I was
in the best shape of my life,

483
00:24:56,920 --> 00:25:00,160
and about once a week
I would bleed out of my ass.

484
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:05,880
But I thought it was a haemorrhoid.

485
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,719
I just assumed this
is another haemorrhoid.

486
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:15,239
I had a Zoom appointment with some
doctor I've never met before.

487
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,799
They couldn't look
at his ass on Zoom.

488
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,679
He did not ask me to turn around
and open my ass up to him,

489
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:22,159
although I was prepared to.

490
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:25,359
So he just described his symptoms
and the doctor said,

491
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:26,839
"Oh, yeah, that sounds
like a haemorrhoid

492
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:28,439
"from the riding the
peloton too hard."

493
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,839
"There you go. Get some
Preparation H. You're done."

494
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:34,400
Turns out I wasn't in the best
shape of my life. I had cancer.

495
00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:41,160
TOILET FLUSHES

496
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:53,919
When he first got his diagnosis,
we hunkered down.

497
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:57,079
I immediately was reading
every single list

498
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:58,439
of every nutritional
thing we might need,

499
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:00,119
and stocking the house with
all these protein drinks

500
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:01,839
and getting cookbooks
on cancer diets

501
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:02,960
and all this sort of thing.

502
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,679
My mom's a really great caretaker.

503
00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:09,559
My dad would definitely not be

504
00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:12,519
as brave and resilient as he was
if she wasn't there,

505
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:14,200
like, helping him every
step of the way.

506
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,359
He handles chemo really well.

507
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:30,839
He's kind of impervious to a lot of
the worst side-effects.

508
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:36,479
I absolutely prepared myself
for chemotherapy by making sure

509
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:39,479
I had hangovers for a good
35 years of my life.

510
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:41,879
The mental aspect of it is similar.

511
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,479
I feel like shit.
I feel like I'm going to die.

512
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,559
I need to put all that
out of my mind,

513
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:49,399
shut up about it and just keep
doing whatever I'm doing.

514
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:52,119
I think for people
who don't have long periods

515
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:55,359
of alcoholism in their lives
and hangovers,

516
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,799
this would be a much
more challenging thing.

517
00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:00,079
He still looks good,
I think, for someone

518
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,959
who's been doing so much chemo,
and he doesn't have that, like,

519
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,679
skinny look that I kind of expected.

520
00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:07,719
Things are going well
with the cancer.

521
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:09,119
The cancer is shrinking.

522
00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:13,039
The cancer is still responding
to the chemotherapy.

523
00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,359
I've gained a bunch of weight back,
which is good.

524
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:18,119
I've actually reached the point now
where perhaps I'm getting

525
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:20,879
a little too much weight
and I should go on a diet.

526
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:23,679
I'm having a harder time
with Andre's hair loss than he is.

527
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:26,039
Basically, the back
of his hair fell off.

528
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:28,799
So when you look at him straight on,
it looks like he still

529
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:30,759
has his hair pulled back
in a man bun.

530
00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:35,680
But the whole man bun is gone,
and I don't think he cares.

531
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:39,919
Andre has changed
since his diagnosis,

532
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,639
and I thought
that he would go angry.

533
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:46,359
But Cancer Andre's really nice.

534
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:48,600
Some of it may have to do with
all the weed he's eating.

535
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:53,119
We've started spending
way more time together.

536
00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:56,359
I used to go on solo exercise
walks around the lake,

537
00:27:56,360 --> 00:27:59,519
and now every single day, together,
we go to the beach or the lake

538
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:00,719
and we walk a couple of miles.

539
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:05,039
And, you know, we talk about...
sometimes, things other than cancer.

540
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:06,519
Where's the most beautiful
duck of all?

541
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:07,599
Toasted marshmallow?

542
00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:11,199
DUCKS QUACK
- Fuck you!
- Stop.
- What?

543
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:13,719
Part of it, I think,
is him having hope

544
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:16,359
and having a new appreciation
for his life

545
00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:18,719
and our lives and his friends.

546
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:22,400
But part of it is also being
a stoic maturity.

547
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:31,079
As vulnerable as he looks,
talking about going to chemo,

548
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:34,400
he's still guarding the very
most vulnerable part of himself.

549
00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:39,040
There's a lot of nitty gritty
we don't talk about.

550
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:44,840
He's not willing to talk
about pain and fear.

551
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:01,599
It's definitely hard for my mom.

552
00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:03,119
Probably harder on her

553
00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:05,359
than anybody else in the family.

554
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:07,239
But I don't know, we don't really
talk about, like,

555
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:09,360
how we're feeling about it
that much.

556
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:17,119
My parents keep a lot of the details
from my sister and me,

557
00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:20,040
but I don't really want to know
a lot of details.

558
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,999
We don't really talk about
how we feel about it,

559
00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:33,999
but we're both very happy

560
00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:36,360
with how strong and resilient
he's being.

561
00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:41,279
It's hard to decide how much
to tell the girls,

562
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:44,479
because we want to be honest
with them,

563
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:46,200
but we don't want to burden them.

564
00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:54,159
I'm realising that I'm really good
in the immediate panic

565
00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:56,319
of a situation like this,

566
00:29:56,320 --> 00:30:00,040
but figuring out how to act,
longer-term, is harder.

567
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:04,999
I can't just swoop in and
fix everything,

568
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:06,560
and...

569
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:11,600
So that's when I have a harder
time figuring out my role.

570
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:18,999
I'm staying up till two in the
morning reading, you know,

571
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:22,040
Diane's Success Story:
"I'm a colon cancer survivor."

572
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:25,120
I like to think that
he'll beat this.

573
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:30,519
Maybe both of us are
in a little bit of denial.

574
00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:33,880
And I think we like to label it
as hopefulness.

575
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:46,999
Once Andre told me his diagnosis,

576
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:48,279
there was a moment,

577
00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:49,479
maybe a day or two,

578
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:51,519
where I was, like,
almost afraid to call.

579
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:53,999
But, like, there was things
that happened that...

580
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:55,479
Like, I saw something funny,

581
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:57,279
that it would be a thing that we
would need to talk about.

582
00:30:57,280 --> 00:30:59,479
And I was standoffish
for a couple of days.

583
00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:00,999
It was really eating at me.

584
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:03,239
Why was I treating him different
just because he had cancer?

585
00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:05,199
There is an awkwardness
and an unease

586
00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:09,759
that's always existed
between people and death.

587
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:11,279
Because we're aware of our mortality

588
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,999
and we don't know what happens
after we die,

589
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:15,999
it's taboo to talk about.

590
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:17,399
One thing about our friendship

591
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:19,679
and a coping mechanism that Andre
and I have always had

592
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:23,559
is that we find humour in shitty
situations.

593
00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:25,999
From the beginning,
we sort of decided,

594
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:28,999
"Let's not change at all how we
speak to each other."

595
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:30,279
And once we did that,

596
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:32,320
we didn't have to change anything
about our friendship.

597
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:35,799
Hey, do you want to make a wish?

598
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:37,399
- Mm-hm.
- What would you wish for?

599
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:40,479
LAUGHTER

600
00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:42,040
I don't know.

601
00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:46,119
I don't know. What...?

602
00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:47,999
LAUGHTER

603
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:50,240
- Er, I can't think of anything.
- I can't think of anything.

604
00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:54,999
Let's keep the same irreverence
that I have applied

605
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:56,519
to absolutely everything in my life.

606
00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:58,999
It's not like, all of a sudden,
"Guys, I'm dying, it's so sad.

607
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:00,999
"You've got to take this seriously."
Fuck that.

608
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,239
How's Andre's cancer?

609
00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:04,439
- It's goofy.
-Oh, it's pretty good.

610
00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:05,999
LAUGHTER

611
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,999
I don't know.

612
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:09,999
He's not wallowing in it.

613
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:12,999
We're actually having fun
with Andre dying.

614
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:14,599
And I know that sounds crazy to say,

615
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,999
but this is so very Andre -
to do it that way.

616
00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:19,999
Come on, kids, you want
to take your picture

617
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:21,359
with anal cancer?

618
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,359
LAUGHTER

619
00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:26,479
And then, when the anal cancer
takes its mask off,

620
00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:29,040
it's just a real person
and it freaks the kids out.

621
00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:32,679
My dad has always,
my whole life,

622
00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:35,599
kind of joked about wanting
to be preserved -

623
00:32:35,600 --> 00:32:38,279
like, cryogenic freezing
and freezing of the head

624
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:40,479
and freezing of the body -

625
00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:45,639
to one day cure whatever killed him
and then be brought back to life.

626
00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:47,359
The next decision I would have
to make

627
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:51,999
is whether I want to get my body
cryogenically frozen.

628
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:53,599
My whole body or just my head?

629
00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:55,359
Is that it? Or is that...?

630
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:57,719
No, we only offer full body.

631
00:32:57,720 --> 00:32:59,799
OK, well, that simplifies it.

632
00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:02,599
I printed out my genome.

633
00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:03,999
I printed these up for two reasons.

634
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:07,999
One, I wanted to copyright them
so that I own my own genome.

635
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:09,119
But the other thing is,

636
00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:11,799
I thought it would be fun to have
a hard copy printed out

637
00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:14,399
so that, perhaps at some point
in the future,

638
00:33:14,400 --> 00:33:16,879
somebody could clone me or,
you know,

639
00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:18,999
create a new me.

640
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:22,399
He comes up with a bunch of ideas
every day,

641
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:25,559
and most of them are just crazy
Andre ideas.

642
00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:28,119
And then some of them come
to be actual things

643
00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:29,999
that other people have done.

644
00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:32,999
Andre is more Aristotelian
than Platonic.

645
00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:34,999
He wants to know it all.

646
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:36,839
He also has this incredible knack

647
00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:40,999
to be able to navigate the web like
nobody I've ever met in my life.

648
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:43,999
And in an era now of the internet,

649
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:47,199
he can conjure up the most
obscure knowledge

650
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:49,040
about almost anything.

651
00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:55,040
There's a website for
the death yells.

652
00:33:57,200 --> 00:33:59,040
I believe it's deathyells.com.

653
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:03,399
I didn't know how serious it
was at first, but it just...

654
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:04,999
It was an idea I had never heard of,

655
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,519
and it was that, you know,
you should really

656
00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:09,359
work on your last words.

657
00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:11,519
But this was a completely
new twist on it.

658
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:13,519
And whether this guy is a nut
or not

659
00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:14,639
didn't make any difference.

660
00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:16,639
It was like, "This seems like
something I should be doing

661
00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:18,399
"now that I'm terminally ill."

662
00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:19,799
So I called Lee

663
00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:21,639
and I was trying to think
of funny ones

664
00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:22,999
on the car ride up.

665
00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:24,999
I mean, I've been talking
about my last words.

666
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:26,679
- Yeah.
- I just don't have any ideas.

667
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:27,839
Well, my father-in-law -

668
00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:29,239
because we were there
when he passed,

669
00:34:29,240 --> 00:34:30,999
and everyone was around,
and he just said,

670
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:32,399
"I'm really tired."

671
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:34,119
And literally, that's the last
thing I heard him say.

672
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:35,600
That's kind of complaining.

673
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:40,719
- I guess this is our...?
- Hey.

674
00:34:40,720 --> 00:34:43,239
Ryan. Nice to see you.

675
00:34:43,240 --> 00:34:44,559
Welcome to my office.

676
00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:46,439
This will be the most
important sound

677
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:48,479
you will ever make on this earth.

678
00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:49,599
The death yell.

679
00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:51,999
{\an8}- And it's the last sound this earth
will hear from you.
- Mm.

680
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:53,999
{\an8}And so it should be simple
and concise.

681
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:56,559
And it should really be, you know,
from the heart.

682
00:34:56,560 --> 00:34:59,679
But also connect with your audience,
whoever that audience may be.

683
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:02,719
I've heard the story that
you don't really die

684
00:35:02,720 --> 00:35:05,599
until nobody speaks your name
anymore.

685
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:08,679
The real death that happens is
when you're forgotten.

686
00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:12,479
So I figure, with a good death yell,
you could extend your life...

687
00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:14,439
- Yeah.
- ...infinitely, potentially.

688
00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:16,999
All you want is to inspire
the people around you

689
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:18,999
and have the people on
the other side...

690
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:20,719
- Right.
- ...be excited to meet you.

691
00:35:20,720 --> 00:35:23,999
Inspire the people around me
to do what?

692
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:25,319
Just to feel, you know?

693
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:28,479
To feel, "Wow, that was
a powerful force."

694
00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:31,599
Not like,
"Oh, geez, that was awkward."

695
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:32,759
- The death yell.
- Yeah.

696
00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:34,919
- All right.
- This is the place.

697
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:36,999
And if you hear the echo,
feel it back,

698
00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:39,159
you kind of will know if it's right
or not.

699
00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:41,559
Fuck, yeah, man!

700
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:43,359
- No.
- No? Horrible.

701
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:44,999
RYAN SIGHS
Just take a deep breath,

702
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:47,720
close your eyes, and the first thing
that comes to mind.

703
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:54,559
So long, suckers!

704
00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:55,759
- Yeah.
- Like that?
- Yeah.

705
00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:56,999
- All right.
- Yes.

706
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,199
- That feels pretty good.
- Yeah.
- All right.

707
00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:02,199
Come and get me, spaceman!

708
00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:03,479
Getting weird.

709
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:04,999
If you get on a roller-coaster

710
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:06,679
or you're on the freeway,
like, practise.

711
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:09,479
Just, like, somebody at their
last moment -

712
00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:11,599
and they, you know, got hit
by a car -

713
00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:13,999
like, they could go, "Ooh!

714
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:16,839
"Ooh! Bleurgh!"

715
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:18,999
It could be in the street, it could
be in an ice cream shop -

716
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:20,119
you'll never know.

717
00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:21,639
And that's why you've got
to practise.

718
00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:23,319
Like, you want to go out
with something

719
00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:25,679
that's strong and powerful.

720
00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:27,639
Bo! Ka-ka-ka-ka!

721
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:29,919
Clack-a-lack-a-lack!
Fire in the hole!

722
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:31,839
I'm coming to get you, God!

723
00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:34,560
THEY SCREAM

724
00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:45,319
Yeah. Yeah.

725
00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:47,239
- That was pretty good!
- I've got to sit down!

726
00:36:47,240 --> 00:36:49,319
You might actually die doing this.

727
00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:50,839
LAUGHTER

728
00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:52,720
I feel like I taste blood
in my throat.

729
00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:56,040
- OK.
- Good?
- Yeah.

730
00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:01,719
You mentioned a couple weeks ago
to me an idea that you had.

731
00:37:01,720 --> 00:37:03,279
Yes. OK.

732
00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:07,839
Imagine this as a big, network,

733
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,359
competitive unscripted
television show.

734
00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,719
So think of, like, The Voice, right?

735
00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:13,999
But this isn't The Voice.

736
00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:17,239
What this show is, it's called
Who Wants to Kill Me?

737
00:37:17,240 --> 00:37:21,759
And the idea of the show is we bring
in five or six people

738
00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:24,800
who have legitimate reasons
for wanting to kill me.

739
00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:30,200
Maybe there's just an ex-girlfriend
who hates me.

740
00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:35,120
A chef who really wants to cook
with human flesh.

741
00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:39,040
Use me as a medical experiment.

742
00:37:41,320 --> 00:37:42,640
Blow me up.

743
00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:46,879
Put me in a stadium,
release the lions

744
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:48,520
and see how long I can fight them.

745
00:37:50,360 --> 00:37:51,479
And then America votes,

746
00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:53,799
and whoever they vote for
gets to take my life.

747
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:57,119
Because it would be much better
to let anybody kill me.

748
00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:58,839
An amateur magician

749
00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:00,839
or a budding serial killer

750
00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:02,399
or an ex-girlfriend

751
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:05,399
seem much more appealing to me
than letting cancer kill me.

752
00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:07,279
But maybe that's not true.

753
00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:10,000
Well, I think, you know, you...

754
00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:16,439
- ...have a capacity to find the
comedic in everything.
- Right.

755
00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:19,239
And so I would say, you know,
the goal is to make

756
00:38:19,240 --> 00:38:21,999
enough room so that
multiple feelings

757
00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:24,999
can be fully present
at the same time,

758
00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:28,999
that the tragic and the beautiful
and the comic -

759
00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:30,880
that there's space for all of it.

760
00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:35,280
There may be moments for you
to visit grief more fully.

761
00:38:37,000 --> 00:38:41,439
You know, it is beautiful,
it is funny,

762
00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:42,719
it is outrageous,

763
00:38:42,720 --> 00:38:45,400
and it's also very sad that
you have cancer, Andre.

764
00:38:57,400 --> 00:38:59,839
I've been collecting other people's

765
00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:02,199
old photo albums since
I was a child.

766
00:39:02,200 --> 00:39:06,999
I used to buy them at junk shops,
at antique stores,

767
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:08,280
at garage sales.

768
00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:14,279
There's something profoundly private
about a photo album.

769
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:16,759
It's like this unfiltered look
at who they are

770
00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:19,520
in a way that you just can't
get anywhere else.

771
00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:23,559
This is really subtle
and hard to see

772
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:27,879
in an otherwise completely
boring album.

773
00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:33,119
It's maybe 25 pictures of Christmas,

774
00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:35,999
and there's nothing really
interesting about it.

775
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:39,759
But then there's this one mistake
in the album

776
00:39:39,760 --> 00:39:42,479
that I'm sure they did not mean
to reveal.

777
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:47,519
And when I saw it,
it terrified me.

778
00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:50,159
It's a picture of a family
standing around

779
00:39:50,160 --> 00:39:51,599
in front of the Christmas tree.

780
00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:53,999
And then, a few pictures later,

781
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:58,999
there's a second picture taken just
a second before that first one.

782
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:03,519
Only, in this second photograph,
you can see the head of somebody

783
00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:08,519
who appears to be right behind
the woman, holding her up.

784
00:40:08,520 --> 00:40:09,999
And when I first saw it,

785
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:13,439
it looked like there was just this
ghost behind the woman.

786
00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:16,999
Why is there this woman behind
this other woman?

787
00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:19,719
And as I looked at it, it seems
like she's wearing

788
00:40:19,720 --> 00:40:22,239
a white uniform and
she has white hair.

789
00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:24,999
And I realised she's probably
the housekeeper,

790
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:26,999
the maid, the helper.

791
00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:29,999
And she's probably holding
this woman up

792
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:32,999
because the woman has polio
and can't stand -

793
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,679
and that was something that
they were ashamed of.

794
00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:36,759
They're trying to hide it.

795
00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:38,280
They're doing everything they can
to hide it.

796
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:41,719
People really tend to be very
private

797
00:40:41,720 --> 00:40:42,839
about their weaknesses,

798
00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:44,479
about their vulnerabilities.

799
00:40:44,480 --> 00:40:47,639
So we paint the portraits that
we want people to see.

800
00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:52,039
We create the vision of ourselves
that we want people to see.

801
00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:53,159
But the most beautiful,

802
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:54,799
most fascinating portraits

803
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:57,519
are the ones that aren't the
idealised version.

804
00:40:57,520 --> 00:41:00,479
They're the ones that show the flaws
that are in us

805
00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:02,840
and tell that more complete story.

806
00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:12,199
The thing about colon cancer is it
responds well to medicine.

807
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:13,719
Often people will go
into remission -

808
00:41:13,720 --> 00:41:14,799
maybe not with stage four,

809
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:18,159
but stage one or stage two
or stage three cancer.

810
00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:20,279
You'll feel like you beat it,
time will go by,

811
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:21,679
and then it comes roaring back.

812
00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:22,839
And when it comes back,

813
00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:25,159
it's much more aggressive,
it spreads much quicker

814
00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:26,999
and it doesn't respond
to medication,

815
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:28,839
and you tend to die very quickly.

816
00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:32,999
I responded really well to the chemo
from December, January

817
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:34,279
a year ago -

818
00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:35,799
all the way through the summer.

819
00:41:35,800 --> 00:41:37,599
But they had to keep reducing
the doses

820
00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:41,119
of the chemo they were giving me
cos my platelets were so low.

821
00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:44,079
I went almost eight weeks without
getting any chemotherapy.

822
00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:45,999
My hair started growing back.

823
00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:47,999
Only it's really not my hair -

824
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:50,359
it feels like somebody else's hair.

825
00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:53,119
It's much thinner than my hair is,
it's much darker.

826
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:56,719
It's also sort of wispy and thin
and somewhat straight.

827
00:41:56,720 --> 00:41:59,639
It's kind of strange that it's grown
back this way.

828
00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:01,239
I imagine there's probably
some guy

829
00:42:01,240 --> 00:42:02,759
walking around in the Midwest
losing his hair,

830
00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:04,399
wondering who's finding it.

831
00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:06,399
Well, it's me.
I'm finding your hair.

832
00:42:06,400 --> 00:42:07,679
And thank you.

833
00:42:07,680 --> 00:42:10,559
As the hair has grown back,
so has the cancer.

834
00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:12,799
So, the healthier I look,

835
00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:16,599
that means the sicker I probably am
right now.

836
00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:17,839
You know, people see me
and they're like,

837
00:42:17,840 --> 00:42:18,999
"Hey, you look great."

838
00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:21,479
And I'm like, "Yeah, but I can feel
the cancer coming back

839
00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:22,839
"in my liver again.

840
00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:24,999
"If you put your hand right here,
you can feel a little tumour."

841
00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:26,239
And, you know, that sort of thing.

842
00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:28,680
And people don't like doing that
at lunch, I've noticed.

843
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:33,479
OK, so we are going
to the hospital

844
00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:37,919
so I can get my usual
three-month scan.

845
00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:39,520
Janice, you got anything to add?

846
00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:43,279
I'm going for just straight-up
positivity -

847
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:47,399
and that this is all going
to be just excellent news.

848
00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:49,119
She's going to give you a prize.

849
00:42:49,120 --> 00:42:51,199
All excellent news and a prize.

850
00:42:51,200 --> 00:42:53,040
That's what Janice is predicting.

851
00:42:56,360 --> 00:42:57,999
I went in for the scans.

852
00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:00,119
Then, two days after it,

853
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:01,439
while I was in the shower,

854
00:43:01,440 --> 00:43:02,999
my phone started blowing up.

855
00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:05,639
One of the texts was from
my oncologist,

856
00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:07,999
and the first line of
her email said,

857
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:10,040
"So those scans were disappointing."

858
00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:12,520
And I thought, "Oh, fuck."

859
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:17,399
{\an8}So the things in the lungs
are really tiny.

860
00:43:17,400 --> 00:43:19,359
{\an8}The largest of these
pulmonary nodules

861
00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:20,999
{\an8}measures seven millimetres,

862
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:23,799
but I would say that the
vast majority are more

863
00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:26,999
in the two, three millimetre range.

864
00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:30,879
The liver is the part that is the
most concerning right now.

865
00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:31,999
Mm-hm.

866
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:35,479
I think the oncologist gave us
the idea

867
00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:37,759
that the spread to the lungs
and the adrenal glands

868
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:40,159
weren't as concerning

869
00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:44,680
as what they called the
"innumerable tumours" in his liver.

870
00:43:46,880 --> 00:43:50,639
And, you know, when a scientist
just uses the word "innumerable",

871
00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:53,440
it seems frightening.

872
00:44:01,080 --> 00:44:03,519
♪ Cancer's getting meaner

873
00:44:03,520 --> 00:44:06,519
♪ And it ain't never been fun

874
00:44:06,520 --> 00:44:07,999
♪ Supposed to get you
when you're old

875
00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:09,479
♪ And now it gets you when
you're young

876
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:12,319
♪ Cancer's always been depressing

877
00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:14,999
♪ Cancer's never been pleasant

878
00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:16,799
♪ It don't care if you're a royal

879
00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:19,040
♪ Don't care if you're a peasant. ♪

880
00:44:21,520 --> 00:44:23,879
You know, every scan I've gotten
has been OK.

881
00:44:23,880 --> 00:44:26,479
Things have just been sort of
smoothly going along.

882
00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:28,999
And suddenly this catastrophe
happens.

883
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:30,839
And my first instinct was,

884
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:33,280
"Why don't we get out
and do something?"

885
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:40,439
And it just made sense to drive.

886
00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:43,319
We could get out of San Francisco
for the first time in years.

887
00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:46,000
We could see a bit of the country
that I've never been to.

888
00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:50,999
I think most people would go
to Paris and Nice

889
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:53,999
and, you know,
go eat pizza in Naples.

890
00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:57,040
And instead we saw a whole
lot of just nothing.

891
00:44:58,440 --> 00:44:59,760
And I love nothing.

892
00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:04,280
And I really wanted to spend
some time with Lee.

893
00:45:07,520 --> 00:45:08,919
Girl from my high school died.

894
00:45:08,920 --> 00:45:10,999
Mattress blew off the car
in front of her.

895
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:12,079
- Really?
- Yeah.

896
00:45:12,080 --> 00:45:13,879
She died pretty, you know?

897
00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:16,559
- The idea that you, you know...
- Yeah.

898
00:45:16,560 --> 00:45:18,839
You want to... You want to leave
a pretty corpse.

899
00:45:18,840 --> 00:45:20,759
- Yeah.
- I subscribe to that.

900
00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:23,399
I mean, I think my corpse
is still fuckable.

901
00:45:23,400 --> 00:45:24,999
- Yeah.
- But not, you know...

902
00:45:25,000 --> 00:45:27,799
- Sure.
- And I think as I lose
a little more weight,

903
00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:29,759
- as time goes on with the chemo...
- Yeah.

904
00:45:29,760 --> 00:45:30,999
...I'll look better and better.

905
00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:32,760
Yeah, I'm looking forward to that.

906
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:38,199
We drove for hours

907
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:40,999
and we got out to this dead lakebed,

908
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:43,359
this desert out in the middle
of nowhere,

909
00:45:43,360 --> 00:45:45,560
and we could do whatever the fuck
we wanted.

910
00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:49,520
LAUGHTER
Holy shit, dude!

911
00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:53,400
Well...

912
00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:56,519
Now what?

913
00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:58,839
LAUGHTER

914
00:45:58,840 --> 00:46:00,439
Let's do some drugs.

915
00:46:00,440 --> 00:46:03,999
This is probably the farthest
I've been from a city

916
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:05,919
in my entire life.

917
00:46:05,920 --> 00:46:07,400
Yeah, there's just nothing.

918
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:12,880
The first thing I noticed
was the silence.

919
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:17,799
I-I don't even know how to
sort of describe it.

920
00:46:17,800 --> 00:46:22,200
I've never really experienced
silence like that before.

921
00:46:27,120 --> 00:46:29,999
For the first time in maybe my life,

922
00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:32,000
I was just alone with my thoughts...

923
00:46:33,120 --> 00:46:34,920
...and all that nothingness.

924
00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:38,120
And of course,
that made me think of death.

925
00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:43,799
That's what I think death is.
I expect death to be empty.

926
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:46,199
And that was about as empty
as I've ever felt.

927
00:46:46,200 --> 00:46:48,399
The other guys!
LAUGHTER

928
00:46:48,400 --> 00:46:49,999
Crying at the beauty, my friend.

929
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:51,480
Crying at the beauty.

930
00:46:56,760 --> 00:46:58,240
We just had a good time.

931
00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:01,999
I ate some mushrooms.

932
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:03,400
We sat around the fire.

933
00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:06,920
All of the tension was gone.

934
00:47:09,000 --> 00:47:11,559
He and I were just sitting out
in the middle of nowhere,

935
00:47:11,560 --> 00:47:14,480
under the fucking Milky Way,
having a good time.

936
00:48:47,760 --> 00:48:50,719
So what I've been referring
to this as

937
00:48:50,720 --> 00:48:51,839
is a piece of work -

938
00:48:51,840 --> 00:48:54,799
not necessarily a TV commercial,
but something...

939
00:48:54,800 --> 00:48:55,999
Could be a TV commercial.

940
00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:57,559
Yeah, platform.

941
00:48:57,560 --> 00:49:02,279
...that is a
colonoscopy encouragement piece.

942
00:49:02,280 --> 00:49:03,439
Yeah.

943
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:06,239
This is a way for me to see
some redemption,

944
00:49:06,240 --> 00:49:08,239
to use the skills and
the connections

945
00:49:08,240 --> 00:49:10,959
and the people and the tools
that I have

946
00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:12,800
to actually save some lives.

947
00:49:24,560 --> 00:49:26,639
{\an8}We know that you're a loudmouth,

948
00:49:26,640 --> 00:49:28,559
{\an8}you're a pain in the ass.

949
00:49:28,560 --> 00:49:30,239
{\an8}We know that you're an idiot.

950
00:49:30,240 --> 00:49:32,839
{\an8}What's happening to you didn't
necessarily have to happen.

951
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:34,799
And so we want to create a campaign

952
00:49:34,800 --> 00:49:36,999
that encourages others to get
a colonoscopy

953
00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:38,479
when they turn 45.

954
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:39,680
Idea number one.

955
00:49:40,720 --> 00:49:43,119
LAUGHTER
All right!

956
00:49:43,120 --> 00:49:45,279
And what we're trying to do is,
we're trying to break through

957
00:49:45,280 --> 00:49:48,799
every barrier in the psyche
that men and women have.

958
00:49:48,800 --> 00:49:51,199
So we do have a couple
of current clients

959
00:49:51,200 --> 00:49:53,519
that we think we could partner with.

960
00:49:53,520 --> 00:49:54,999
- So...
- As a first date?!

961
00:49:55,000 --> 00:49:56,239
- As a first date.
- Yeah.
- Wow!

962
00:49:56,240 --> 00:49:58,119
OkCupid lets us do outrageous work.

963
00:49:58,120 --> 00:49:59,679
Wow, that would be an amazing
first date.

964
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:01,839
- That would be amazing, right?
- So we've got Cheeky Cherry,

965
00:50:01,840 --> 00:50:05,399
we've got Pamplemousse Caboose,
we've got Pineapple Dump Truck.

966
00:50:05,400 --> 00:50:06,999
Yeah. Where is the Booty Juice?

967
00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:08,999
We have it right here.
Great question.

968
00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:11,279
Great question.
I'm glad you...

969
00:50:11,280 --> 00:50:12,759
- I'm glad you...
- Nice!

970
00:50:12,760 --> 00:50:16,319
♪ I like to get my colon checked

971
00:50:16,320 --> 00:50:19,319
♪ A colonoscopy. ♪

972
00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:20,639
Assholes are everywhere.

973
00:50:20,640 --> 00:50:24,999
- We had this idea of just
doing PSAs...
- Yep.

974
00:50:25,000 --> 00:50:28,279
...that are simply colonoscopy
reminders.

975
00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:29,759
LAUGHTER

976
00:50:29,760 --> 00:50:32,319
Every one of those is amazing,
by the way.

977
00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:33,999
Every one of them is amazing.

978
00:50:34,000 --> 00:50:36,239
The butthole idea, I think,
is really good,

979
00:50:36,240 --> 00:50:38,199
and I think it's really funny
and I think it fits.

980
00:50:38,200 --> 00:50:40,999
The thing I love about it
is the reminder.

981
00:50:41,000 --> 00:50:43,679
Like, suddenly you'll be reminded
yourself,

982
00:50:43,680 --> 00:50:46,119
when you see an asshole,
to get a colonoscopy.

983
00:50:46,120 --> 00:50:49,240
- Right.
- Or something that looks
like an asshole.
- Yeah.

984
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:03,920
I'm moving out to go to college.

985
00:51:06,120 --> 00:51:09,559
This is where I grew up
and where my family is,

986
00:51:09,560 --> 00:51:12,120
but I don't know if I'll ever
live here again.

987
00:51:16,520 --> 00:51:19,319
The fact that he was diagnosed
at stage four...

988
00:51:19,320 --> 00:51:20,679
And they are no dummies -

989
00:51:20,680 --> 00:51:24,119
they Googled that beyond
what we told them.

990
00:51:24,120 --> 00:51:27,799
But he doesn't want them
to see him

991
00:51:27,800 --> 00:51:29,399
sick or weak or scary.

992
00:51:29,400 --> 00:51:30,920
He doesn't want to scare them.

993
00:51:33,480 --> 00:51:35,999
I'm not as honest as I should be
with my kids

994
00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:37,639
about how sick I am.

995
00:51:37,640 --> 00:51:39,999
When I'm lying on the couch
and I look like I'm dead,

996
00:51:40,000 --> 00:51:42,999
and I'm pale and I haven't got up
all day and I don't have a voice,

997
00:51:43,000 --> 00:51:45,399
I say, "What you're seeing
is the side-effects

998
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:47,999
"of the medicine, not the cancer."

999
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:49,840
But that's not always true.

1000
00:51:52,240 --> 00:51:56,119
All right. So I'm not going to
hug you, because fuck that.

1001
00:51:56,120 --> 00:51:57,359
Have a great time.

1002
00:51:57,360 --> 00:51:58,559
- Do you want me to hug you?
- No.

1003
00:51:58,560 --> 00:51:59,759
- I'm happy to.
- That's weird.

1004
00:51:59,760 --> 00:52:00,999
- Well, I'm just...
- That's not how we do it.

1005
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:02,359
I'm not saying that.

1006
00:52:02,360 --> 00:52:03,799
Call me if you need anything at all.

1007
00:52:03,800 --> 00:52:05,839
Text me, don't call me -
I won't answer.

1008
00:52:05,840 --> 00:52:07,239
All right? I wish I was going
with you.

1009
00:52:07,240 --> 00:52:08,640
- Bye.
- See ya.

1010
00:52:18,600 --> 00:52:21,040
All right. Off they go.

1011
00:52:26,800 --> 00:52:27,999
As you may have noticed,

1012
00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:30,799
my eyelashes are particularly long.

1013
00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:34,279
And it's a side-effect of one of
the medications that I'm on,

1014
00:52:34,280 --> 00:52:37,319
but my lashes are sort
of horrifying.

1015
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:38,999
They're sort of monstrous.

1016
00:52:39,000 --> 00:52:41,520
I keep saying I look like
fucking Snuffleupagus.

1017
00:52:43,000 --> 00:52:44,119
I do brush them.

1018
00:52:44,120 --> 00:52:45,999
My daughter, Delilah, gave me
a spoolie

1019
00:52:46,000 --> 00:52:47,359
and taught me how to use it.

1020
00:52:47,360 --> 00:52:48,999
OK, just open them
a little bit more.

1021
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:51,359
- OK, so like this?
- Yes.

1022
00:52:51,360 --> 00:52:53,439
Tell me your friends aren't
all doing this right now

1023
00:52:53,440 --> 00:52:54,999
with their dads?

1024
00:52:55,000 --> 00:52:56,479
Yeah. No, that's good.

1025
00:52:56,480 --> 00:52:57,999
- Much... Yeah.
- Yeah.

1026
00:52:58,000 --> 00:53:01,200
Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER

1027
00:53:03,000 --> 00:53:05,800
Oh, my God, that is, like,
to die for.

1028
00:53:07,400 --> 00:53:10,439
- Honestly, I love the attention.
but it's time to go.
- Yeah.

1029
00:53:10,440 --> 00:53:12,039
It's just dangerous.
I can't drive at night.

1030
00:53:12,040 --> 00:53:13,319
- Oh, yeah.
- I can't do anything.

1031
00:53:13,320 --> 00:53:15,759
- No, I get it. Yeah, you're ready.
- So...

1032
00:53:15,760 --> 00:53:17,040
And I trust you.

1033
00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:20,479
- You can see!
- Yeah, I can see!

1034
00:53:20,480 --> 00:53:22,359
- You can see!
- Oh, my God!

1035
00:53:22,360 --> 00:53:24,999
Doctor, what happened to my life?

1036
00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:26,439
I was a normal man!

1037
00:53:26,440 --> 00:53:29,359
You're still normal. It's just
a different stage now.

1038
00:53:29,360 --> 00:53:30,880
You're still normal, I swear.

1039
00:53:34,760 --> 00:53:37,359
{\an8}My oncologist noticed that
the cancer cells

1040
00:53:37,360 --> 00:53:40,999
{\an8}were no longer susceptible
to the chemo

1041
00:53:41,000 --> 00:53:43,599
{\an8}that had been so successful
for the last year.

1042
00:53:43,600 --> 00:53:46,799
And they said they wanted
to do some radiation.

1043
00:53:46,800 --> 00:53:49,399
So I met the ass lady
at the hospital,

1044
00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:52,359
and she was just so chipper
and wonderful

1045
00:53:52,360 --> 00:53:53,999
and great at her job.

1046
00:53:54,000 --> 00:53:56,759
And she said, "In order to do this,

1047
00:53:56,760 --> 00:54:00,119
"I'm going to tape your
ass cheeks open

1048
00:54:00,120 --> 00:54:03,199
"and we're going to put a little
sticker over your anus

1049
00:54:03,200 --> 00:54:04,719
"so it doesn't get any radiation

1050
00:54:04,720 --> 00:54:07,040
"and you don't get any blisters
on your anus."

1051
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:12,319
And then the next day I had
to come back.

1052
00:54:12,320 --> 00:54:16,359
And on the way to the hospital,
we passed my voting spot.

1053
00:54:16,360 --> 00:54:17,719
And this was election day.

1054
00:54:17,720 --> 00:54:19,519
Janice just became an
American citizen,

1055
00:54:19,520 --> 00:54:21,439
so we went in and we voted together.

1056
00:54:21,440 --> 00:54:23,839
We both got those
"I just voted" stickers,

1057
00:54:23,840 --> 00:54:25,519
and I'm holding the sticker
in my hand.

1058
00:54:25,520 --> 00:54:27,239
And I had this thought of,

1059
00:54:27,240 --> 00:54:30,399
"Wouldn't it be funny if, when I get
to the hospital,

1060
00:54:30,400 --> 00:54:32,599
"I put the sticker over
my own anus" -

1061
00:54:32,600 --> 00:54:35,319
as sort of a humble-brag
that I voted

1062
00:54:35,320 --> 00:54:38,639
and a nod to the fact that this
is an awkward situation.

1063
00:54:38,640 --> 00:54:40,479
And wouldn't it be a funny surprise?

1064
00:54:40,480 --> 00:54:41,559
And then I'm in the room

1065
00:54:41,560 --> 00:54:43,159
and I'm getting in the
hospital gown,

1066
00:54:43,160 --> 00:54:44,599
and I have the sticker out.

1067
00:54:44,600 --> 00:54:46,719
And I hesitated at the last minute

1068
00:54:46,720 --> 00:54:50,999
because it just felt like I was
sexualising the situation

1069
00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:54,239
in a way that may make the
radiologist uncomfortable.

1070
00:54:54,240 --> 00:54:56,159
Five years ago, I wouldn't
have hesitated.

1071
00:54:56,160 --> 00:54:58,199
I hesitated.

1072
00:54:58,200 --> 00:55:01,639
And it would have been
devastatingly humiliating,

1073
00:55:01,640 --> 00:55:04,759
because the guy who brought me in,
who was giving me the MRI,

1074
00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:07,999
was not the same funny, calm,
normal nurse

1075
00:55:08,000 --> 00:55:09,199
that I'd had the day before.

1076
00:55:09,200 --> 00:55:10,799
It was this humourless dude

1077
00:55:10,800 --> 00:55:13,519
who just didn't smile once
the whole time.

1078
00:55:13,520 --> 00:55:16,759
And I thought, "Thank God I don't
have an 'I just voted' sticker

1079
00:55:16,760 --> 00:55:18,360
"on my asshole right now."

1080
00:55:29,840 --> 00:55:31,799
I've done 50-something rounds
of chemo.

1081
00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:32,919
I'm pretty good at chemo.

1082
00:55:32,920 --> 00:55:34,999
It makes me tired,
it makes me crabby,

1083
00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:37,319
it turns me into an asshole
for a couple of days,

1084
00:55:37,320 --> 00:55:38,479
but I can handle it.

1085
00:55:38,480 --> 00:55:39,719
I've learned how to do it.

1086
00:55:39,720 --> 00:55:42,040
I cannot do radiation.

1087
00:55:45,400 --> 00:55:48,279
The side-effects got worse
and worse and worse.

1088
00:55:48,280 --> 00:55:50,239
I lost 20lbs.

1089
00:55:50,240 --> 00:55:53,479
I was cramping really badly
in my stomach.

1090
00:55:53,480 --> 00:55:57,599
It kept me from sleeping more than
half an hour at a time

1091
00:55:57,600 --> 00:56:00,040
for, like, two weeks -
which is like torture.

1092
00:56:01,200 --> 00:56:02,480
It was fucking hell.

1093
00:56:05,000 --> 00:56:06,359
This is the first time

1094
00:56:06,360 --> 00:56:11,040
that I've really been in physical,
emotional pain.

1095
00:56:18,000 --> 00:56:20,199
I never know what to write to you.

1096
00:56:20,200 --> 00:56:21,999
"Hey, how's it going?"

1097
00:56:22,000 --> 00:56:24,600
Cos I call you, and this is how
you answer the phone.

1098
00:56:25,720 --> 00:56:27,999
- "Hey, what's up?"
- Yeah. No matter what.

1099
00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:29,120
- No matter what.
- Yeah.

1100
00:56:30,120 --> 00:56:31,439
- Yeah.
- "Yeah, I'm good.

1101
00:56:31,440 --> 00:56:33,679
"I just got stabbed in the neck
and I'm bleeding out of my ass,

1102
00:56:33,680 --> 00:56:34,799
"but what's up?"

1103
00:56:34,800 --> 00:56:36,119
"But it's better than it was
20 minutes ago."

1104
00:56:36,120 --> 00:56:37,719
- Make it funny.
- Yeah.

1105
00:56:37,720 --> 00:56:39,199
- I mean...
- Which is fine,

1106
00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:41,119
but sometimes I do wish you would
just be like, "Dude..."

1107
00:56:41,120 --> 00:56:44,599
- And I think I liked the text that
was so...
- Miserable.

1108
00:56:44,600 --> 00:56:47,759
I didn't like it, but I was like...
It was real, you know?

1109
00:56:47,760 --> 00:56:50,439
I mean, I talk to my shrink
about this all the time.

1110
00:56:50,440 --> 00:56:53,319
I don't think anybody's like,
"Don't laugh at your situation."

1111
00:56:53,320 --> 00:56:55,839
- Yeah.
- Obviously there's
psychological issues

1112
00:56:55,840 --> 00:56:56,999
- going on here.
- Yeah.

1113
00:56:57,000 --> 00:56:59,679
But I'm lucky that I have
this vehicle now,

1114
00:56:59,680 --> 00:57:01,159
which is myself.

1115
00:57:01,160 --> 00:57:02,999
I'm not laughing at other people
with colon cancer.

1116
00:57:03,000 --> 00:57:05,559
- I'm not laughing at other people
who go through this.
- Yeah.

1117
00:57:05,560 --> 00:57:08,439
But for me, it makes it much easier.

1118
00:57:08,440 --> 00:57:09,999
And at some point,

1119
00:57:10,000 --> 00:57:12,479
- if I ever get a colostomy bag...
- Yeah.

1120
00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:13,999
...you know, there's going
to be endless jokes.

1121
00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:15,519
- Already written.
- I'm sure.

1122
00:57:15,520 --> 00:57:17,999
- And those are going to be
funny jokes...
- Yeah.

1123
00:57:18,000 --> 00:57:19,719
...and we're going to have a lot of
fun with it

1124
00:57:19,720 --> 00:57:21,999
- and it's going to be revolting
and disgusting.
- Yeah.

1125
00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:24,719
- And, you know, we're going to do
all that stuff.
- Uh-huh.

1126
00:57:24,720 --> 00:57:26,359
I look forward to that, you know?

1127
00:57:26,360 --> 00:57:30,999
Because I really don't look forward
to having to shit in a bag

1128
00:57:31,000 --> 00:57:32,799
- that's strapped to my body.
- Right.

1129
00:57:32,800 --> 00:57:34,999
You know what I mean?
So what's the upside?

1130
00:57:35,000 --> 00:57:37,279
- Well, now at least we get to tell
all these jokes.
- Yeah.

1131
00:57:37,280 --> 00:57:38,839
And I can take it out
in a restaurant

1132
00:57:38,840 --> 00:57:41,999
and play it like a balloon -
letting the air out.

1133
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:43,239
Meeeeee!

1134
00:57:43,240 --> 00:57:45,479
I feel like that might get stinky
if you do that.

1135
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:47,599
Even better, you know?

1136
00:57:47,600 --> 00:57:48,759
But again, going back...

1137
00:57:48,760 --> 00:57:50,359
Is the cancer starting to be
less funny?

1138
00:57:50,360 --> 00:57:51,999
Yeah, literally.

1139
00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:53,519
Yes and no. But it shouldn't.

1140
00:57:53,520 --> 00:57:54,999
It should be funnier now.

1141
00:57:55,000 --> 00:57:57,719
The more the cancer fucks me up,
the funnier it should be.

1142
00:57:57,720 --> 00:58:00,159
Because it's one thing
if you're feeling fine

1143
00:58:00,160 --> 00:58:02,319
and you're cracking jokes
at the radiologist.

1144
00:58:02,320 --> 00:58:04,439
It's another thing if you
look like death

1145
00:58:04,440 --> 00:58:05,559
and you feel like death

1146
00:58:05,560 --> 00:58:07,719
and you're crapping your pants
every 20 minutes

1147
00:58:07,720 --> 00:58:08,999
and you're still making jokes.

1148
00:58:09,000 --> 00:58:10,999
That is victory.

1149
00:58:11,000 --> 00:58:12,840
That is how you beat fucking cancer.

1150
00:58:15,520 --> 00:58:19,399
So what happens if, in a couple of
months or years,

1151
00:58:19,400 --> 00:58:23,159
you're in really terminal decline,
you can't get out of bed,

1152
00:58:23,160 --> 00:58:24,879
you're in excruciating pain,

1153
00:58:24,880 --> 00:58:27,839
and you realise it's just not fun
anymore and you want to end it?

1154
00:58:27,840 --> 00:58:30,319
You know, can I just drink Drano
if I want?

1155
00:58:30,320 --> 00:58:33,319
Can I do an assisted suicide,
drinking Drano,

1156
00:58:33,320 --> 00:58:35,599
and then instead of donating
my body to science,

1157
00:58:35,600 --> 00:58:37,279
I donate it to television?

1158
00:58:37,280 --> 00:58:38,919
Am I allowed to do that?
I don't know.

1159
00:58:38,920 --> 00:58:40,999
{\an8}I'm sorry. "Donate your body
to television"?

1160
00:58:41,000 --> 00:58:42,399
{\an8}Instead of science.

1161
00:58:42,400 --> 00:58:45,239
{\an8}Everybody's OK if you want to
donate your body to science.

1162
00:58:45,240 --> 00:58:46,999
But if you want to donate your body
to television,

1163
00:58:47,000 --> 00:58:48,599
people get all squirrelly
about that.

1164
00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:50,079
How do you donate your body
to television?

1165
00:58:50,080 --> 00:58:52,479
I don't know. It's what
I'm looking into now.

1166
00:58:52,480 --> 00:58:54,319
Maybe they need a corpse
for something.

1167
00:58:54,320 --> 00:58:56,999
So you're saying if you want to die,
officially,

1168
00:58:57,000 --> 00:58:58,999
along the prescribed legal way...

1169
00:58:59,000 --> 00:59:00,559
But you want control over
your death.

1170
00:59:00,560 --> 00:59:02,879
...you have to donate your body
to science,

1171
00:59:02,880 --> 00:59:04,839
- or it's expected that you will?
- I think it's expected.

1172
00:59:04,840 --> 00:59:08,319
Like, I think it's OK to say,
"I want to be an organ donor"

1173
00:59:08,320 --> 00:59:11,279
or, "I want to donate my body
to science".

1174
00:59:11,280 --> 00:59:12,839
- You know? Nobody bats an eye
at that.
- Right.

1175
00:59:12,840 --> 00:59:15,279
- That's legal.
- So, once again,
for Andre,

1176
00:59:15,280 --> 00:59:16,999
- you're going to do things your way.
- Well...

1177
00:59:17,000 --> 00:59:18,279
So, if you're going to donate
your body...

1178
00:59:18,280 --> 00:59:20,239
Doesn't science have enough bodies?

1179
00:59:20,240 --> 00:59:23,679
Look, I'm not suggesting that you
get conventionally buried

1180
00:59:23,680 --> 00:59:25,439
in a Christian cemetery.

1181
00:59:25,440 --> 00:59:27,399
Right? I'm not suggesting that.

1182
00:59:27,400 --> 00:59:28,519
I haven't decided yet.

1183
00:59:28,520 --> 00:59:31,439
When do you think you'll start
making some of these decisions?

1184
00:59:31,440 --> 00:59:33,639
I don't know. I gotta work on it.

1185
00:59:33,640 --> 00:59:35,559
Standard burial I'm not for at all.

1186
00:59:35,560 --> 00:59:36,999
I don't give a shit.

1187
00:59:37,000 --> 00:59:38,639
I'm not against cremation,

1188
00:59:38,640 --> 00:59:41,599
but if we're going to do cremation,
I would rather have a funeral pyre,

1189
00:59:41,600 --> 00:59:42,999
like, out in a field somewhere

1190
00:59:43,000 --> 00:59:45,200
where you just throw me on the fire
and burn me.

1191
00:59:46,720 --> 00:59:49,239
They've sent people's ashes
into space.

1192
00:59:49,240 --> 00:59:50,639
I like that.

1193
00:59:50,640 --> 00:59:53,399
I would rather have my whole body
sent into space, though.

1194
00:59:53,400 --> 00:59:54,799
I know that would be expensive

1195
00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:56,720
because I would weigh a lot more.

1196
00:59:58,120 --> 01:00:01,999
But if there was a way to just drift
around for 50,000 years,

1197
01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:04,000
a million years,
that would be amazing.

1198
01:00:06,000 --> 01:00:08,599
When I talk about life and death
issues with you -

1199
01:00:08,600 --> 01:00:11,839
not just now, but all your life
and my life -

1200
01:00:11,840 --> 01:00:15,719
we often flit back and forth
from the absurd to the real.

1201
01:00:15,720 --> 01:00:18,359
But now it's like the shit
is hitting the fence.

1202
01:00:18,360 --> 01:00:19,999
- It's real. This is real.
- The rubber hit the road.

1203
01:00:20,000 --> 01:00:21,159
- This is real.
- This is real.

1204
01:00:21,160 --> 01:00:24,999
Andre had trepidation asking me
about being on camera.

1205
01:00:25,000 --> 01:00:27,839
I mean, I'm happy to do it -
but I'm private.

1206
01:00:27,840 --> 01:00:29,200
Nothing like my father.

1207
01:00:31,440 --> 01:00:32,999
My father is one of the most

1208
01:00:33,000 --> 01:00:35,319
intensely private people
in the world.

1209
01:00:35,320 --> 01:00:38,999
The thought of going on camera
and discussing his illness,

1210
01:00:39,000 --> 01:00:40,799
his weakness, he would never do.

1211
01:00:40,800 --> 01:00:43,399
And I respect that, and I understand
who he is

1212
01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:44,999
and why he wouldn't do that.

1213
01:00:45,000 --> 01:00:50,360
This kind of crazy, vulnerable,
dark humour...

1214
01:00:51,440 --> 01:00:56,999
...everything-out-there project
is utterly opposite

1215
01:00:57,000 --> 01:00:58,119
who he is as a person.

1216
01:00:58,120 --> 01:01:03,239
Being on a movie that he doesn't
control is just shocking to him.

1217
01:01:03,240 --> 01:01:04,879
It's just unthinkable.

1218
01:01:04,880 --> 01:01:08,239
Andre, I think, knows not
to directly ask him.

1219
01:01:08,240 --> 01:01:10,719
When Andre directly asked him,

1220
01:01:10,720 --> 01:01:13,519
"Would you be willing to be
in the movie?"

1221
01:01:13,520 --> 01:01:15,400
Larry said, "I'd rather do chemo."

1222
01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:42,559
So the solution was to clearly get
Tommy Chong to play his father.

1223
01:01:42,560 --> 01:01:44,999
Because he looks exactly like him,

1224
01:01:45,000 --> 01:01:47,480
and he couldn't be more opposite
a kind of person.

1225
01:01:58,200 --> 01:02:00,119
Is being vulnerable weak?

1226
01:02:00,120 --> 01:02:02,999
No, no, it's actually strong.

1227
01:02:03,000 --> 01:02:05,479
Strength, yeah.

1228
01:02:05,480 --> 01:02:07,879
Vulnerable means being real.

1229
01:02:07,880 --> 01:02:10,439
See, had you been my father,

1230
01:02:10,440 --> 01:02:12,159
this would be a very different
conversation.

1231
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:15,040
Because so much of this I had
to find on my own.

1232
01:02:16,240 --> 01:02:21,439
I think Andre really appreciates
what his father gave him.

1233
01:02:21,440 --> 01:02:23,920
But, yeah, it was definitely
Opposite Dad Day.

1234
01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:55,159
I'll take any kind of problem
and turn it into a joke.

1235
01:02:55,160 --> 01:02:57,999
- Yeah.
- I mean, that's a life
philosophy.

1236
01:02:58,000 --> 01:03:00,239
The fucking Buddha should've
said that.

1237
01:03:00,240 --> 01:03:02,799
- He probably did.
- He probably did.

1238
01:03:02,800 --> 01:03:05,639
He probably got it from somewhere.

1239
01:03:05,640 --> 01:03:08,839
But, yeah. That's a whole...

1240
01:03:08,840 --> 01:03:10,999
That's a philosophy.

1241
01:03:11,000 --> 01:03:12,239
I've done it all my life.

1242
01:03:12,240 --> 01:03:13,399
And if I can laugh at it

1243
01:03:13,400 --> 01:03:14,999
and I can get other people
to laugh at it,

1244
01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:16,400
how bad could it fucking be?

1245
01:03:21,520 --> 01:03:25,239
I hate to infantilise Andre,

1246
01:03:25,240 --> 01:03:29,759
but caregiving is a lot like having

1247
01:03:29,760 --> 01:03:31,999
the responsibilities of having
a toddler again.

1248
01:03:32,000 --> 01:03:33,159
He's not a toddler.

1249
01:03:33,160 --> 01:03:35,719
He'd kill me if I was comparing him
to a toddler.

1250
01:03:35,720 --> 01:03:37,559
But, you know, making a lot
of snacks,

1251
01:03:37,560 --> 01:03:40,599
trying to get somebody to eat,
the occasional tantrum.

1252
01:03:40,600 --> 01:03:42,799
You know, it's not tumbling
and playdates -

1253
01:03:42,800 --> 01:03:44,319
it's hospital and hospital.

1254
01:03:44,320 --> 01:03:46,599
Hi, I was hoping you might have
a minute to help me schedule

1255
01:03:46,600 --> 01:03:49,559
a paracentesis appointment
for my husband.

1256
01:03:49,560 --> 01:03:51,599
Yeah, sure. Is he a regular already?

1257
01:03:51,600 --> 01:03:52,999
Yeah, he's a regular already.

1258
01:03:53,000 --> 01:03:54,599
Yes. Poor Andre.

1259
01:03:54,600 --> 01:03:56,559
It gives me a lot
of satisfaction

1260
01:03:56,560 --> 01:03:58,439
to know that I'm helping.

1261
01:03:58,440 --> 01:04:00,519
I loved that with my kids.

1262
01:04:00,520 --> 01:04:02,040
That's where I shine.

1263
01:04:07,000 --> 01:04:10,599
I'm picking up three prescriptions
for Andre Ricciardi.

1264
01:04:10,600 --> 01:04:12,399
- You said Andre?
- Andre, yeah.

1265
01:04:12,400 --> 01:04:13,999
- I have, like, six.
- Six?

1266
01:04:14,000 --> 01:04:17,439
Oh, isn't he lucky? I guess I'll
take 'em all, thanks.

1267
01:04:17,440 --> 01:04:19,999
- So this one, this one and this one
go together?
- Yep.

1268
01:04:20,000 --> 01:04:21,799
OK. So the one that's a two
in quantity

1269
01:04:21,800 --> 01:04:22,999
goes with the kit?

1270
01:04:23,000 --> 01:04:24,999
- That's correct, yeah.
- OK.

1271
01:04:25,000 --> 01:04:26,519
Thank you so much.
Thanks for spending

1272
01:04:26,520 --> 01:04:28,160
- half your day with me.
- Yeah.
- Bye.

1273
01:04:36,000 --> 01:04:38,479
Just last night, he was lying there,

1274
01:04:38,480 --> 01:04:40,479
and I was bringing him a peach
or something.

1275
01:04:40,480 --> 01:04:44,879
And he said, "You know, I'd be dead
by now if it weren't for you."

1276
01:04:44,880 --> 01:04:46,519
I was sort of, "Oh, pshaw,"
you know?

1277
01:04:46,520 --> 01:04:48,199
Like, "There's no reason
you'd be dead.

1278
01:04:48,200 --> 01:04:49,999
"You just wouldn't... Your fridge
wouldn't be as full

1279
01:04:50,000 --> 01:04:51,799
"and you wouldn't get rides
everywhere."

1280
01:04:51,800 --> 01:04:53,319
And he said,

1281
01:04:53,320 --> 01:04:56,519
"No, you just take such
good care of me

1282
01:04:56,520 --> 01:04:59,679
"and I don't know what I'd do
without you.

1283
01:04:59,680 --> 01:05:01,999
"And you make me really happy."

1284
01:05:02,000 --> 01:05:03,520
And that was a big one.

1285
01:05:04,800 --> 01:05:07,199
I've been lying on that couch
for weeks,

1286
01:05:07,200 --> 01:05:10,279
and Janice has been doing
fucking everything

1287
01:05:10,280 --> 01:05:12,999
and driving me and doing
all that stuff.

1288
01:05:13,000 --> 01:05:16,999
And I think Janice's experience
is very different than mine

1289
01:05:17,000 --> 01:05:18,359
- of what's going on.
- Mm.

1290
01:05:18,360 --> 01:05:20,119
You know, in a lot of ways

1291
01:05:20,120 --> 01:05:22,399
it's much easier to be the patient
than the caretaker.

1292
01:05:22,400 --> 01:05:24,119
I doubt that!

1293
01:05:24,120 --> 01:05:27,879
- Mm, I don't know. I don't know.
- I'm just making snacks.

1294
01:05:27,880 --> 01:05:29,639
It's more than making snacks.

1295
01:05:29,640 --> 01:05:32,439
And I think you take the burden -

1296
01:05:32,440 --> 01:05:37,439
so much of the burden and the pain
that I'm in -

1297
01:05:37,440 --> 01:05:38,799
on yourself.

1298
01:05:38,800 --> 01:05:40,279
Mm.

1299
01:05:40,280 --> 01:05:43,079
Which, you know,

1300
01:05:43,080 --> 01:05:44,680
isn't easy.

1301
01:05:45,760 --> 01:05:47,199
- Yeah.
- Anyway...

1302
01:05:47,200 --> 01:05:50,359
He is much more vulnerable now,

1303
01:05:50,360 --> 01:05:54,279
which is not something he would've
ever wanted.

1304
01:05:54,280 --> 01:05:56,999
But he's sort of willingly
vulnerable,

1305
01:05:57,000 --> 01:05:58,880
which is super surprising.

1306
01:06:03,280 --> 01:06:07,679
I feel like the character
in a cheesy '90s movie

1307
01:06:07,680 --> 01:06:09,159
who's overworked and stressed

1308
01:06:09,160 --> 01:06:12,239
and then has some traumatic brain
injury or gets cancer

1309
01:06:12,240 --> 01:06:14,719
and becomes a complete human being.

1310
01:06:14,720 --> 01:06:17,279
You know, finally fall in love
with his wife

1311
01:06:17,280 --> 01:06:20,560
or finally realised that everything
he needed, he already had.

1312
01:07:03,960 --> 01:07:06,999
And it's the kind of movie
that I despise.

1313
01:07:07,000 --> 01:07:09,719
And yet I'm experiencing that.

1314
01:07:09,720 --> 01:07:10,999
OK, we can do this.

1315
01:07:11,000 --> 01:07:12,999
Goodish news. Goodish news.

1316
01:07:13,000 --> 01:07:16,159
We'll just put a big fake face on,

1317
01:07:16,160 --> 01:07:17,999
we'll tell lots of jokes.

1318
01:07:18,000 --> 01:07:19,400
And who gives a fuck?

1319
01:07:20,800 --> 01:07:22,879
That's the attitude.

1320
01:07:22,880 --> 01:07:24,280
It is.

1321
01:07:29,880 --> 01:07:31,079
You know, I like to think,

1322
01:07:31,080 --> 01:07:33,839
"Well, this is just these current
rotten symptoms doing something,

1323
01:07:33,840 --> 01:07:34,999
"and we'll solve that.

1324
01:07:35,000 --> 01:07:37,639
"And then he'll get back
to sort of normal.

1325
01:07:37,640 --> 01:07:38,999
"Normal cancer."

1326
01:07:39,000 --> 01:07:41,999
Normal cancer was easy
in retrospect,

1327
01:07:42,000 --> 01:07:45,120
but this shit's scary.

1328
01:07:51,760 --> 01:07:53,160
OK. You all right?

1329
01:07:54,600 --> 01:07:55,920
Yeah.

1330
01:07:56,920 --> 01:07:59,640
I mean, that was...
that was pretty bleak, but...

1331
01:08:02,400 --> 01:08:03,680
...but...

1332
01:08:05,000 --> 01:08:06,839
Clinical trials means...

1333
01:08:06,840 --> 01:08:09,399
I know. But, Janice, I'm dying.

1334
01:08:09,400 --> 01:08:13,399
Like, the reality of the situation
is I'm dying.

1335
01:08:13,400 --> 01:08:16,639
And we have to face that, you know?

1336
01:08:16,640 --> 01:08:19,399
- No, thank you.
- What's that?

1337
01:08:19,400 --> 01:08:20,640
No, thank you.

1338
01:08:25,000 --> 01:08:26,839
We're OK, Janice.
We're going to be OK.

1339
01:08:26,840 --> 01:08:28,519
- Yep.
- We got time still.

1340
01:08:28,520 --> 01:08:30,279
Yep.

1341
01:08:30,280 --> 01:08:32,079
Yes, please.

1342
01:08:32,080 --> 01:08:34,800
- We still got time.
- Yes, please.

1343
01:08:36,240 --> 01:08:38,199
Well, good job.

1344
01:08:38,200 --> 01:08:40,280
- All righty. I'll see you in a bit.
- OK.

1345
01:08:45,000 --> 01:08:47,040
ANDRE SIGHS

1346
01:08:48,120 --> 01:08:50,319
The other day, he was sitting
on the couch

1347
01:08:50,320 --> 01:08:52,999
and he just had his head
in his hand

1348
01:08:53,000 --> 01:08:55,239
and he just said,

1349
01:08:55,240 --> 01:08:58,279
"I don't want to do this anymore."

1350
01:08:58,280 --> 01:09:01,119
And I started saying, you know,

1351
01:09:01,120 --> 01:09:02,599
"Come on." Like, "One more day.

1352
01:09:02,600 --> 01:09:05,280
"Let's just keep putting one foot
in front of the other.

1353
01:09:06,400 --> 01:09:08,599
"You can do this."

1354
01:09:08,600 --> 01:09:09,999
And then he looked up at me,

1355
01:09:10,000 --> 01:09:11,799
and in his other hand
he had his phone.

1356
01:09:11,800 --> 01:09:14,160
And he said, "No,
I'm talking about the Wordle."

1357
01:09:15,760 --> 01:09:17,479
We found this doctor in Italy

1358
01:09:17,480 --> 01:09:20,719
who claims that he is
absolutely ready

1359
01:09:20,720 --> 01:09:24,400
to perform a head transplant
from one human to another.

1360
01:09:26,160 --> 01:09:28,799
They warned us that his work
is very controversial.

1361
01:09:28,800 --> 01:09:30,559
My feeling is, "Look, if you're
going to put my head

1362
01:09:30,560 --> 01:09:31,759
"on another body,

1363
01:09:31,760 --> 01:09:34,199
"don't put it on, like,
a 30-year-old's body.

1364
01:09:34,200 --> 01:09:36,319
"Put it on a ten-year-old's body

1365
01:09:36,320 --> 01:09:40,719
"so that I get those extra 20 years
to live and to enjoy myself."

1366
01:09:40,720 --> 01:09:44,359
And I really wanted to go to Italy
and meet this guy

1367
01:09:44,360 --> 01:09:47,599
and at least have a consultation
with him.

1368
01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:50,199
But I'm too sick to go
to Italy right now.

1369
01:09:50,200 --> 01:09:52,439
And what that made me realise

1370
01:09:52,440 --> 01:09:57,519
was time is passing and I'm getting
sicker and sicker.

1371
01:09:57,520 --> 01:09:59,999
And if there's anything
I need to do,

1372
01:10:00,000 --> 01:10:01,759
I need to do it immediately.

1373
01:10:01,760 --> 01:10:05,999
And that's a scary revelation,
you know?

1374
01:10:06,000 --> 01:10:07,599
Much rather be getting
my head transplanted

1375
01:10:07,600 --> 01:10:08,880
on a boy's body.

1376
01:10:15,760 --> 01:10:18,999
One of the reasons my recent
health problems

1377
01:10:19,000 --> 01:10:22,999
have been so disconcerting to Janice

1378
01:10:23,000 --> 01:10:25,279
is the physical manifestation
of my illness,

1379
01:10:25,280 --> 01:10:28,119
which is my belly keeps swelling
with this fluid

1380
01:10:28,120 --> 01:10:30,319
because my liver's starting to fail.

1381
01:10:30,320 --> 01:10:32,999
If there wasn't that physical
representation of it

1382
01:10:33,000 --> 01:10:34,719
that's constantly there
to remind her,

1383
01:10:34,720 --> 01:10:35,799
then it's my behaviour.

1384
01:10:35,800 --> 01:10:38,399
And I'm pretty good at putting on
a happy face

1385
01:10:38,400 --> 01:10:40,479
and doing the best I can do.

1386
01:10:40,480 --> 01:10:43,079
The issue is

1387
01:10:43,080 --> 01:10:44,920
it's harder to lie about it now.

1388
01:10:46,480 --> 01:10:48,799
{\an8}- Hello, Peter.
- Andre.

1389
01:10:48,800 --> 01:10:51,399
{\an8}Are you surprised to hear my voice?

1390
01:10:51,400 --> 01:10:53,719
{\an8}- I'm delighted to hear your voice.
- LAUGHTER

1391
01:10:53,720 --> 01:10:56,279
{\an8}Oh, my God, where the fuck
have you been?

1392
01:10:56,280 --> 01:10:59,999
{\an8}- No, I'm kidding.
- I've been trying
to be available to you!

1393
01:11:00,000 --> 01:11:01,559
{\an8}I know, I know, I know.

1394
01:11:01,560 --> 01:11:02,999
{\an8}I'm absolutely joking.

1395
01:11:03,000 --> 01:11:05,239
It's been fucking tough, Peter.

1396
01:11:05,240 --> 01:11:09,999
- Like, we've entered that next phase
of cancer.
- Yeah.

1397
01:11:10,000 --> 01:11:15,239
And I met with a nurse who was just
absolutely spectacular.

1398
01:11:15,240 --> 01:11:16,559
Like, the ass doctor.

1399
01:11:16,560 --> 01:11:19,999
And she told me I need to relax
my second sphincter

1400
01:11:20,000 --> 01:11:21,719
because that's really tight

1401
01:11:21,720 --> 01:11:23,999
and that's where a lot of the
blood's coming from.

1402
01:11:24,000 --> 01:11:25,559
- So... So I'm trying to do that.
- Uh-huh.

1403
01:11:25,560 --> 01:11:26,999
I mean, you know...!

1404
01:11:27,000 --> 01:11:31,999
And what the last month and a half
has been like is...

1405
01:11:32,000 --> 01:11:33,999
You know, when the girls
have been here,

1406
01:11:34,000 --> 01:11:35,999
the girls sitting at the counter,
eating dinner,

1407
01:11:36,000 --> 01:11:37,199
hanging out with their mother,

1408
01:11:37,200 --> 01:11:38,999
and I'm on the couch making jokes.

1409
01:11:39,000 --> 01:11:40,039
You know what I mean?

1410
01:11:40,040 --> 01:11:42,279
Trying to participate
the way I used to.

1411
01:11:42,280 --> 01:11:46,839
But it's obvious that I'm not able
to do what I used to do.

1412
01:11:46,840 --> 01:11:47,999
You know what I mean?

1413
01:11:48,000 --> 01:11:49,599
I'm not fooling anybody.

1414
01:11:49,600 --> 01:11:53,000
But I still feel that need
to act that way.

1415
01:11:54,000 --> 01:11:57,119
When I can no longer
make Tallula laugh,

1416
01:11:57,120 --> 01:11:59,679
then I feel like
I've crossed over a line

1417
01:11:59,680 --> 01:12:01,799
and there's really no purpose
for me to be here.

1418
01:12:01,800 --> 01:12:03,639
I don't know what I feel about that.

1419
01:12:03,640 --> 01:12:04,999
On the one hand, I get it.

1420
01:12:05,000 --> 01:12:06,320
You know? It is...

1421
01:12:07,760 --> 01:12:09,599
If you can't make Tallula laugh,

1422
01:12:09,600 --> 01:12:13,759
- you're not Andre anymore
in some ways.
- Right.

1423
01:12:13,760 --> 01:12:19,199
But I think you still feel you need
to be able to make me laugh.

1424
01:12:19,200 --> 01:12:20,599
Yeah.

1425
01:12:20,600 --> 01:12:24,000
And I think you are more than...

1426
01:12:25,120 --> 01:12:27,480
...your irreverent humour.

1427
01:12:28,520 --> 01:12:32,199
So I think part of the process
for you

1428
01:12:32,200 --> 01:12:33,680
is relaxing.

1429
01:12:34,880 --> 01:12:36,999
You mean my second sphincter?

1430
01:12:37,000 --> 01:12:39,279
- Yes.
- Yes.

1431
01:12:39,280 --> 01:12:40,359
No, no, I'm sorry.

1432
01:12:40,360 --> 01:12:42,999
I don't mean to make a joke
when you're telling me

1433
01:12:43,000 --> 01:12:45,279
not to fucking make jokes.
LAUGHTER

1434
01:12:45,280 --> 01:12:46,599
I get it.

1435
01:12:46,600 --> 01:12:47,999
Yeah, I think you're right.

1436
01:12:48,000 --> 01:12:52,519
I think it's time to really be
honest about the severity

1437
01:12:52,520 --> 01:12:53,840
of what's going on.

1438
01:12:55,000 --> 01:12:57,199
And I'm trying to write
this little piece

1439
01:12:57,200 --> 01:12:58,999
for the end of the film

1440
01:12:59,000 --> 01:13:04,519
that sort of sums up where I am
and what's going...

1441
01:13:04,520 --> 01:13:06,839
You know, whatever. I don't know
what it's going to be.

1442
01:13:06,840 --> 01:13:08,999
And it's fascinating.

1443
01:13:09,000 --> 01:13:11,999
It's so weird to sit down
and start writing,

1444
01:13:12,000 --> 01:13:15,279
you know, whatever that message is -

1445
01:13:15,280 --> 01:13:17,719
that final transmission.

1446
01:13:17,720 --> 01:13:19,999
Mm-hm.

1447
01:13:20,000 --> 01:13:23,320
But it's also forcing me to think
about a lot of this stuff.

1448
01:13:25,240 --> 01:13:28,999
I just... It's so hard to see pain
in the faces

1449
01:13:29,000 --> 01:13:31,799
of the people that I love,
you know what I mean? It just...

1450
01:13:31,800 --> 01:13:36,999
It's so difficult for me
to not feel like...

1451
01:13:37,000 --> 01:13:38,599
It's not even letting people down.

1452
01:13:38,600 --> 01:13:40,559
It's that I just don't want them
to hurt.

1453
01:13:40,560 --> 01:13:41,999
And I know they have to.

1454
01:13:42,000 --> 01:13:43,639
And I know they're going to.

1455
01:13:43,640 --> 01:13:47,999
I understand that. But that doesn't
mean they have to today.

1456
01:13:48,000 --> 01:13:49,079
You know?

1457
01:13:49,080 --> 01:13:52,279
- And...
- Well... But...

1458
01:13:52,280 --> 01:13:54,000
I actually think...

1459
01:13:55,200 --> 01:13:58,000
...one of the gifts you offer
your daughters...

1460
01:13:58,920 --> 01:14:01,759
...is the chance to
grieve a father,

1461
01:14:01,760 --> 01:14:05,119
that that is not a destructive
thing to do.

1462
01:14:05,120 --> 01:14:09,720
If it goes well, that is a powerful
and deepening process.

1463
01:14:12,320 --> 01:14:13,600
I don't know.

1464
01:14:15,320 --> 01:14:17,639
It's sad, isn't it?

1465
01:14:17,640 --> 01:14:20,719
Be generous and let them feel sad.

1466
01:14:20,720 --> 01:14:22,160
Yes, that's true.

1467
01:14:23,760 --> 01:14:26,799
That's the line.
That's the takeaway from this.

1468
01:14:26,800 --> 01:14:30,679
"Be generous and let them be sad."

1469
01:14:30,680 --> 01:14:31,879
Yes.

1470
01:14:31,880 --> 01:14:34,199
That's hard. That's really hard.

1471
01:14:34,200 --> 01:14:36,080
I know it is hard for you.

1472
01:14:46,000 --> 01:14:49,479
♪ Grab me by my shoulder blades

1473
01:14:49,480 --> 01:14:52,399
♪ And hang me out to dry

1474
01:14:52,400 --> 01:14:54,119
♪ I'm a mess

1475
01:14:54,120 --> 01:14:59,320
♪ And I need someone
to help me out with that

1476
01:15:03,240 --> 01:15:08,160
♪ Please remember to feed the cat

1477
01:15:10,320 --> 01:15:15,440
♪ Please remember
that I'm never coming back

1478
01:15:18,000 --> 01:15:21,040
♪ Ooh

1479
01:15:24,360 --> 01:15:27,240
♪ Ooh. ♪

1480
01:15:36,680 --> 01:15:38,439
Ow!

1481
01:15:38,440 --> 01:15:40,399
How do old people do this?

1482
01:15:40,400 --> 01:15:41,759
Isn't there an app for this?

1483
01:15:41,760 --> 01:15:43,240
Can't I do this on my iPhone?

1484
01:15:44,320 --> 01:15:47,999
There are a couple of these pills
that I don't take every day.

1485
01:15:48,000 --> 01:15:49,679
Just because, you know, fuck it.

1486
01:15:49,680 --> 01:15:52,839
Right? Like, rules are for
rule followers.

1487
01:15:52,840 --> 01:15:53,999
I just don't want to take 'em.

1488
01:15:54,000 --> 01:15:55,599
I don't know, it just doesn't
feel right.

1489
01:15:55,600 --> 01:15:59,279
Like, taking two of those giant
potassium pills every day

1490
01:15:59,280 --> 01:16:00,359
seems like too much.

1491
01:16:00,360 --> 01:16:01,639
Do I need that much potassium?

1492
01:16:01,640 --> 01:16:03,520
Does anybody need that
much potassium?

1493
01:16:04,880 --> 01:16:06,440
Do that one all by itself!

1494
01:16:12,920 --> 01:16:14,679
Kind of hoping I was
going to choke.

1495
01:16:14,680 --> 01:16:16,759
Looks like Vicodin but
is not Vicodin,

1496
01:16:16,760 --> 01:16:18,679
and what a fucking letdown
that was.

1497
01:16:18,680 --> 01:16:20,999
I usually have, as part of
my medication,

1498
01:16:21,000 --> 01:16:22,640
a 7am bong hit as well.

1499
01:16:26,600 --> 01:16:27,880
Much better.

1500
01:16:46,400 --> 01:16:47,839
Stelio, would you like
a bong hit?

1501
01:16:47,840 --> 01:16:49,159
- No, no.
- Are you sure?

1502
01:16:49,160 --> 01:16:50,639
Yeah.

1503
01:16:50,640 --> 01:16:51,999
I mean, honestly, at this point,

1504
01:16:52,000 --> 01:16:56,759
if Andre were to get all earnest
and heartfelt

1505
01:16:56,760 --> 01:17:01,479
and serious about his cancer

1506
01:17:01,480 --> 01:17:03,800
and about dying all the time...

1507
01:17:05,000 --> 01:17:07,239
...none of us would know
how to deal with him.

1508
01:17:07,240 --> 01:17:08,840
You know? It's not him.

1509
01:17:13,600 --> 01:17:16,319
{\an8}Hey, T, can you look
in that cabinet

1510
01:17:16,320 --> 01:17:18,400
{\an8}and see if there's any Skittles?

1511
01:17:28,200 --> 01:17:30,879
I got these holes in my hand

1512
01:17:30,880 --> 01:17:33,999
and, er, I've been trying to find
the best hole

1513
01:17:34,000 --> 01:17:35,759
to hide Skittles in.

1514
01:17:35,760 --> 01:17:37,999
- Jesus Christ!
- I think it's this one.

1515
01:17:38,000 --> 01:17:40,040
I think I'll do better there.

1516
01:17:45,000 --> 01:17:46,880
TALLULA LAUGHS
That's good.

1517
01:17:49,880 --> 01:17:52,240
I just want to make people laugh.

1518
01:17:54,240 --> 01:17:59,520
You know? I just want to make people
feel good when things are bad.

1519
01:18:02,240 --> 01:18:04,679
Do your new classes start today?

1520
01:18:04,680 --> 01:18:06,319
- Tomorrow?
- No.

1521
01:18:06,320 --> 01:18:07,879
When do they start?

1522
01:18:07,880 --> 01:18:09,320
I haven't chosen it yet.

1523
01:18:10,280 --> 01:18:12,519
But I'm just going to take one.

1524
01:18:12,520 --> 01:18:15,199
Just one, so you can come home
and see me

1525
01:18:15,200 --> 01:18:17,040
- and the holes in my hand?
- Yeah.

1526
01:18:23,040 --> 01:18:26,759
Thank you. I appreciate that you're
reducing your schedule

1527
01:18:26,760 --> 01:18:28,519
to spend time with me.

1528
01:18:28,520 --> 01:18:30,439
It's very sweet of you.
TALLULA LAUGHS

1529
01:18:30,440 --> 01:18:31,760
It is.

1530
01:18:35,520 --> 01:18:36,999
- I'll see you later.
- Goodbye. I love you.

1531
01:18:37,000 --> 01:18:38,400
Bye. I love you, too.

1532
01:18:45,440 --> 01:18:47,280
I haven't figured out
the right way...

1533
01:18:49,360 --> 01:18:54,040
...to be a calming force with
this new prognosis.

1534
01:18:55,600 --> 01:18:57,400
I don't know how to...

1535
01:19:06,680 --> 01:19:08,440
I guess I've just...

1536
01:19:11,160 --> 01:19:14,200
...had all this sort of
anticipatory grief.

1537
01:19:15,640 --> 01:19:17,640
And now it's...

1538
01:19:19,560 --> 01:19:21,040
...really happening.

1539
01:19:24,000 --> 01:19:26,199
And my, you know,

1540
01:19:26,200 --> 01:19:29,280
cheerleader-hopeful-denial stuff
is no longer appropriate.

1541
01:19:32,120 --> 01:19:35,160
And, you know, telling someone
it's going to be OK...

1542
01:19:37,120 --> 01:19:41,040
...is sort of the natural way you
want to comfort someone.

1543
01:19:42,560 --> 01:19:43,760
But it's not.

1544
01:19:46,000 --> 01:19:47,280
So...

1545
01:19:48,640 --> 01:19:50,040
So, what do you say?

1546
01:20:18,000 --> 01:20:19,520
{\an8}I sat with fear today.

1547
01:20:20,520 --> 01:20:23,040
{\an8}I didn't run from it
or try to defeat it.

1548
01:20:24,520 --> 01:20:26,599
{\an8}Instead, I greeted it like a friend

1549
01:20:26,600 --> 01:20:29,040
{\an8}and I let it wash over me
again and again...

1550
01:20:31,080 --> 01:20:32,440
{\an8}...terrifying me.

1551
01:20:34,200 --> 01:20:35,480
But it was OK.

1552
01:20:36,800 --> 01:20:40,040
My fear is insignificant compared
to the love all around me.

1553
01:20:43,840 --> 01:20:46,199
I wept for the first time in years.

1554
01:20:46,200 --> 01:20:47,480
It was remarkable.

1555
01:20:49,840 --> 01:20:52,960
I thought I needed suffering,
but instead I got bliss.

1556
01:20:54,520 --> 01:20:56,639
My heart has never been more open,

1557
01:20:56,640 --> 01:20:58,439
and my fear of death,

1558
01:20:58,440 --> 01:21:00,719
also tapping at my window,

1559
01:21:00,720 --> 01:21:04,400
feels a bit more familiar and
a little less powerful.

1560
01:21:13,000 --> 01:21:15,800
So long, suckers!

1561
01:21:30,240 --> 01:21:32,599
♪ I look back

1562
01:21:32,600 --> 01:21:35,999
♪ It had been a long night

1563
01:21:36,000 --> 01:21:38,319
♪ Sitting by the fire

1564
01:21:38,320 --> 01:21:40,639
♪ Soon it will be light

1565
01:21:40,640 --> 01:21:43,519
♪ It may only last a moment

1566
01:21:43,520 --> 01:21:47,399
♪ But a moment can last a lifetime
in your mind

1567
01:21:47,400 --> 01:21:52,639
♪ I find it's on the telly

1568
01:21:52,640 --> 01:21:58,040
♪ What are they trying to sell me?

1569
01:22:03,440 --> 01:22:05,400
♪ Wake up

1570
01:22:07,440 --> 01:22:10,680
♪ Time's gone by

1571
01:22:14,320 --> 01:22:16,440
♪ I'm falling down

1572
01:22:18,480 --> 01:22:21,040
♪ Every night

1573
01:22:41,440 --> 01:22:43,999
♪ I look back

1574
01:22:44,000 --> 01:22:47,239
♪ It had been a long night

1575
01:22:47,240 --> 01:22:49,399
♪ Sitting by the fire

1576
01:22:49,400 --> 01:22:52,199
♪ Soon it will be light

1577
01:22:52,200 --> 01:22:54,999
{\an8}♪ It may only last a moment

1578
01:22:55,000 --> 01:22:59,040
♪ But a moment can last a lifetime
in your mind. ♪